Find yourself friends with all the couples without kids? Hanging out with them you feel safe. Whether they are on birth control or want them as much as you, it's safe. Then you have all your other friends, those peers from highschool, co-workers, people at church... You love them, care for them, enjoy hanging out, yet somewhere in you there is a guard up. An invisible shield, a barrier leaving you prepared to bottle up emotions at any given time. As the peers one after another are having kids, and growing their families, and are apparently having no trouble in this area, I fear my safe friends won't be safe much longer. Do I want them to not have any kids? Surely that's not the case, is it? No it's me being selfish. It's about my comfort around them. It's about jealousy. It's me being spiteful. Not wanting to wait for my turn, wishing I could shove my way to the front of the line.
An old highschool friend is going to be a dad again. Saw his wife's post saying how she's lost weight with this pregnancy so far. What?!? I didn't know she was expecting again... Surprises like this hurt me. Should they?
Old church friend posted on my wall, haven't talked to her in ages. Her picture? In her hospital gown holding her infant. Stalking her page there's no mention of the dad.
An infant carseat is sitting in the dinning room at work this week. It's black, silver, and the most beautiful shade of dark purple.. I love it. If I could pick out a carseat, it would be this one. My boss will miss my anniversary party for a baby shower of her sister in law that is happening the same day.
I feel my lack of motherhood surrounding me again. Closing in. Reminding me when I least expect it. Feeling more and more like I'm the only one without kids. My safe friends? They don't live here. We have to visit them, or them us, to spend time together. Know how many little ones, under 3 years old, were in our church Sunday morning? 5 or 6. The usual of just my friend Cherish's kids isn't so much the usual anymore. And the more little ones... the more lonely I feel.
I'm tired of my job. I love Blakely so much, but I'm ready to hide from raising other people's children. The job gets more difficult. I'm becoming too attached. She's learning how to say my name. This is my third school year watching Blakely. I'm getting too opinionated for my own good. For Blakely's own good. No matter what I think, she's not my child. She will never be my child. No matter what I teach her, no matter how much I help raise her, no matter how proud she makes me... I don't really have a say in anything because she's not mine. I feel committed to complete this school year, but after that I think it's time for me to move on. I hope to still be in her life, but not nearly so involved.
I don't feel safe anymore. I did for a while I suppose. I was doing well. But now I'm learning to rebuild my wall. Take my shield with me wherever I go. I'm fearing pregnancy announcements at any turn. And in this process, my hope for having my own gets further and further away.
