My husband told me the other night that I'm not allowed to have all these random hyper emotional bouts. I don't know how long it's been, probably only a week or two, but I feel like I've been moody forever. Every other day. Or every other hour. I don't know when, but I've been moody a lot. I don't like what I see. I complain a lot, I covet everything, I'm ungrateful for my job, I lose my patience, I get irritable more often, easy to annoy, I want to stick my foot in where it doesn't belong, oh so many things! How come when we get moody it's usually all the bad moods that surface? I've had some happy mood swings too, but they seem like none in comparison. I feel I've been a terrible wife, a terrible nanny, and a terrible friend. I also get in these moods where I just want to shut everything out. Read, watch a movie, try to just stare out into space thinking about nothing....
Next Saturday the 26th we're going to renew our vows. This is so not how I want to be when that day gets here! I barely have an idea what I'm doing for decorations. I know the place, I know the colors... I have an outfit... It's just a casual thing at a park pavilion. I wrote my own vows months ago, and now I'm happy that I did because I'm not sure I could think of anything better now.
Jared gets paid every two weeks, I don't known when is the last time he had a full 80 hours on his paycheck. It's been rough. I try to remember that The Lord will provide, but I forget often. It's been stressful.
Have I mentioned the puppy? The date of my last post, and as I recall I had an emotional meltdown... I was upset that someone else was pregnant again. And upset wanting to quit being Blakely's nanny. And I might not have mentioned it, but I was upset that my best friend now works a job that I couldn't call in the middle of the day and vent. Now I realize how much I took those phone calls for granted. Anyways...
That night Blakely's daddy brought home a yorky puppy. I cried out to God that I felt lonely, and He gave me a puppy to train. I wanted a child, and I got a puppy. I see it as a message of not now. I don't know why not now, and I don't know when not now will end, or if it'll ever end... But I think God says not now.
I also see it as a message that I'm not to leave my job anytime soon. That now they need me even more. They have never had an inside dog, don't know anything about training it, and, well who's home all day? Me. Which unfortunately means I will be doing most of the training. I've been given the option of leaving her in a kennel in the basement if I really didn't want to be bothered by her.... But I could never do that. Besides, she would bark all day if stuck down there and I couldn't blame her for it.
Oh and maybe a third message, the puppy will give me company, someone to talk to, while my friend is without her phone. Maybe the puppy means none of the above, but the timing was just too perfect. I remember last time I got so upset with God for someone else getting pregnant again... The next day I was told about another girl I could start watching at work. I didn't think that was a coincidence either.
Anyways.... Please pray for me. I don't for a moment want to be thinking that all these mood swings could be a symptom of a pregnancy. I feel God has already said not now, and I'm trying to except it. But then like I said, I don't know when not now will end. So I'm still taking my vitamins and doing what I can to improve the odds. My husband thinks maybe I'm not handing it over to God by doing this. I don't know what to think anymore. Again, just please pray for me I could really use the prayers right now.
