What's the point in having a blog anymore? I feel like all my friends have gone and left me. I know that's not true, not exactly. And I'm happy where they are at right now, it's just not with me. I'm having a little pity party over here in the corner over being the last one once again who's not pregnant or had a child or is pregnant with another. Everyone is busy with their own children now to acknowledge that I'm alone. But like when I got married and I sought out married friends, people with children seek out others with children.
I sit on the sidelines watching my married friends have kids, while I am barren (maybe that's too strong a word, but unless I conceive to prove it wrong, that's exactly what I am). I watched as I, with so much experience being around pregnancies and little ones, as I was sought out for advice which I freely gave. And now with a child or two my advice holds no bearing because she is a mom and I am not. Oh how much it hurts. The longer I am barren the more my state becomes the norm and where I'm at is forgotten lest it be Mother's Day and I'm the only one that doesn't come forward (I avoid that day like the plague).
We've been learning about the end times, and many think it's right, right, right, around the corner staring us in the face. My friend pointed out the bible verse that says something like "woe to those who have children in the end of days" and how she's worried what that could mean for her and her kids. And I think *Is it supposed to be a blessing that I don't have children? Is it God's doing that the infertility rates keep going up? Maybe He is trying to ease some of the suffering His children will go through*. Then I think *What's the point then in trying?! If God is the one who has closed my womb for such a time as this? But then... Why are they pregnant? Why bother creating any more children at all?*. I don't know what to think anymore!!! Personally I hope the end times are not here, because there is so much I still want to do in this world. And at the same time I am saddened that my thinking is that way because if I truly am a Christian I should be excited about the return of my Lord looking forward to the day He comes. I should think the sooner the better, but I'd rather Him wait a little while longer. I don't know... Can you see how I suffer? So many things going on around me concerning my lack of motherhood, and you know what? I'm not even done...
The other day we had a little harvestfest party at our church. Chili cook off, bonfire, hay ride, you get the picture. It was fun. I watched all the children running around. I watched my husband playing with other people's kids and taking in just how cute they were. As I watch all this a young teenage girl points it out that it's about time I have some, that everyone else has. I'm so tired of answering remarks like that!!! Tired of telling people that we are wanting some. Tired of telling people that God just hasn't given us any yet. Tired of being the last ones who aren't parents! Gosh I wish people would just mind their own business! Why do people think it is there place to tell you whether or not you should have kids in the first place? It's just as bad as all those who think you should find someone to marry! You think those people want to stay single? I mean sure there are a few who like being single, but for the most part they really would like to have a spouse, just the right person hasn't come along. You can't force things like that. Maybe people think you can force a pregnancy just as much as they think you can just go out and get married. It's not that easy.... Anyways, where was I going with this? So I had a rough night with the harvestfest. I had a great time, but I felt my lack of motherhood brought back into the light. I felt the heartache once again seeing how much my husband wants to be a dad as he played with the little kids. When I got home I asked my husband a question I've asked him before expecting the same kind of reassuring answer he's always given, but I didn't get it. I asked him, "Do you really think I'll be a mom one day?". I fully expected him to tell me yes. I wanted him to convince me that he still had faith in it happening and hadn't given up. He told me something like, "I believe if God wants us to have a child, we will.". I cried. Does that sound to you what it sounded like to me? An if it'll happen it'll happen, and if not it'll not? It sounded to me like he'd given up hope on me being a mom. He was so sure before that I would be, and now.... well it didn't sound like it anymore. I'm still upset about the whole ordeal. He told me he didn't mean for it to be discouraging, disappointing, or anything like that. He went on telling me that he believes if we are to have a child it is going to be a God thing. He doesn't feel it'll be because of medicine or doctors or anything like that. That either God will lead us to a child to adopt, or He will make us pregnant all on His own. Jared still thinks I'll be a mom, but he doesn't know how or when and.... I don't know! What's the point in trying anymore? Drinking teas, taking vitamins, seeing doctors? If he feels it'll be completely a God thing, then there is no point in us trying to do anything other than, you know, having sex here and there. I just... I haven't really sorted out what all I think about what was said that night, or what he thinks, or whatever, and that was about a month ago that conversation happened.
Oh and here's another thing, I've resigned from my nanny job with Blakely. I'm hoping by the end of December she will be all settled up cozy in a daycare. I told Shannon I won't leave until she has a new plan for Blakely. It's a big decision to move on from being her nanny, but I have given it lots of thought and feel now is the right time for me to move on. I have so many reasons for why I think now is the time, and yet I worry that no one will understand and will hate me for leaving. It is a difficult thing to leave behind all that your life has become, but now is the time and I've got to leave. I pray Blakely and everyone else make a good transition from me being her nanny to her being in daycare, and that the daycare she goes to is the right one for her. Oh and that no one has hard feelings forwards me.... If one of y'all ask why I'm leaving I'll be happy to post my reasons, I just feel that's all I've told anyone about this past week or two and want a break from retelling the story.
In other news, two more pregnancy announcements this week. I am happy for both parties that will soon become parents. I however will not be joining them seeing as I have just finished my period. Jared and I have been married for 5 years and a month now. For our fifth anniversary we renewed our vows and exchanged new rings. Maybe sometime soon I'll post how our renewal went. Five years feels like a milestone marker for how long we've been trying for a child... and it hurts. I'm starting to feel melancholy, numb, or whatever about all of this stuff once again. I'm just so tired of all of it. I know they say no caffeine and such while trying to conceive.... but I think coffee is going to become my new best friend again for a while.
If you have taken the time to read all of this, thank you. It means so much to me that you took the time to listen and I hope you will say hi or sometime just so I know that you were there.
