We got internet last Friday! Haven't had internet at home for over a year (not sure when we canceled it anymore). Almost a week has gone by and today is the first time I've opened up blogger. Honestly, I just don't want to think about any of it!
My blog was created as a place I could write about my frustrations wanting to be a mom. A place I could go to be surrounded by other people in the same boat as I am. I've had this blog for, I think, about 4 years now. That boat I'm in? It's filling up with every one else's children. I'm still right here in the middle of everything, and yet everything around me is changing. Everyone is moving forward into motherhood, and I'm left behind. Sometimes.... What I would give for married friends who DON'T have kids! I love kids so much, but I don't really like them coming over to my house anymore. You see it reminds me how much my house isn't set up for them. I don't have a highchair... there are sharp things in the bottom kitchen drawer.... don't have many things they can play with... there are chemicals under the sinks.... no sippy cups, small forks or spoons, or anything like that if they've forgotten theirs... And then to top it all off our friends always have to leave early because it's bed time, and they need their crib. If we want to stay up late with our friends playing games, we have to do that at their house because that's where the kids beds are. I desperately want kids to like my house, so much so that when I got ready for my birthday party I put together a toy box. Lemme tell you what, it was a huge hit! Kids loved it. Anyway...
Do any of you have those friends on facebook that you click "hide" on so that you don't have to see all their ultrasound pictures because it pains you to look at them when you're not ready for it? Just when you think you're doing great, something catches you off guard. The other day at Pizza Hut there was a guy at the next table talking about how he "never wants to have kids", that hurt me. Even though it had nothing to do with me, it hurt. When I'm over at my friend's house and the guys go out, and it's just us girls, and they start talking about "top 10 selfish reasons to breastfeed your baby", that hurt. When your old boss gives you a magazine all because it has an article on someone she knows infertility story... that hurt! Every time Grandma Joyce goes to tell us about some couple and she says "they never had kids" or "they could never have kids" or "they adopted cause they could never have kids" or anything like that as part of her description on them... I just wonder if that's how people describe us, or if that's how they will someday. And you know what? It hurts. Any day now my friends who are right here and I see all the time are probably going to start announcing pregnancies again, and it'll hurt. Here coming to blogger land... this is where I could get away from all that. Or at least have people who understand my sorrow because they are going through the same types of things themselves.
Bleh! I hate getting caught off guard! lol. Everyone else's happily ever after story shouldn't make my life unhappy! Isn't it strange how it can have that affect? I once read that "what messes you up most in life is your picture of how it's supposed to be", and that is so true! I forgot a blogger friend of mine was due to have her baby soon, and it surprised me. I am happy for her, and yet I am sad for me. Any of you who have been where I'm at, I'm sure understand (and I know all of you were because that's why we became friends in the first place, lol). Sorry, I feel like I've just been rambling on and on and on... Sorry if I have to put a couple of you wonderful ladies on hide for now, I hope you all are well.
