The Game

Sometimes I feel all the "what ifs" could drive me mad.  I try not to play that game anymore.  It is a dangerous game of imagination.  It's deceitful.  It's cruel.  It deals in hopes and fears.  It twists and turns reality into something that wildly can affect my emotions.  Whenever my mind tries to play that game I quickly throw up reasons the "what ifs" are completely common place.  There is nothing out of the ordinary here.  It is simply the weather having an affect on my body.  Maybe it's something I ate.  Remember that time when....  So you see, I can't possibly be pregnant.  To play the game you start believing that maybe you could be.  To play the game means to let yourself become vulnerable.  To play the game you might start getting excited.  And then when excitement is at it's peak, you find out that it was all just in your head and.... the game wins.  It is a horrible game I believe designed by the Devil himself.  Every month around the time for my cycle to start, he whispers false hopes in my ear.  His goal is simple, he wants me to hurt.  If he can deceive me into believing something ordinary might be a "symptom of pregnancy"... he's winning.  If he can get me dreaming up ways to tell my family that I'm pregnant... he's delighted.  When I start getting excited that my cycle is a few days late and I convince myself I should take a test.... he's got me at mate.  And the moment I ball my eyes out because the test is negative, just like it always is.... he's won!  He boasts the winnings of the game in my face as I fall into depression.  It's ruined my day, and maybe many more to come.  "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  And if he fools you several more times than that....  Well I suppose he's a much better player at the game than I am.  Here I am in the game again and when I try to feign indifference... he always knows!  When I shout that I don't want to play, he whispers in my ear all the more.  I wonder if it'll ever be true.... a pregnancy for me.  What if this time it's different?  What if maybe I really am?  What if..... what if..... what if.....