Two years ago I felt a calling to do more with children. I saw life in a perspective that maybe having kids of my own might not be what God has in store for me, and maybe I'll always be a "substitute mom". It's not something I like to think about because I dearly want to have kids of my own. But you see I was starting to understand that God might very well have given me a gift of being good at being in a motherly role over other peoples children. I was looking more into adoption. I was considering doing more with the kids at church (though I'm terrified of being a teacher). And I was feeling led to go to church camp as an adult leader with our youth. But you know what?
I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel qualified. I'm a bit co-dependent and it would mean leaving my husband... I'd miss him too much. I just couldn't go to camp. My mind was in a spiritual battle that I didn't tell anyone about. I was hearing from God, and I knew it! One of the only times I can tell you that I knew God was talking to me.... But the thing is, Satan was talking too. While I'm getting excited about what God has to say, I was also being pulled down by temptations. My mind was rattling off all that I would need to get done before leaving for camp.... And then I ended up choosing not to go. I chose not to go because I didn't feel like a good enough Christian. I felt like the spiritual battle I was going through made me unqualified. My mind was not in the right place. I did not listen to God Who I knew wanted me to go to camp that year. Camp came and went and ultimately.... I gave into the temptations I was facing.
I have heard it said that if you are not being tempted, if the devil is leaving you alone, if life is going easy.... Satan is not worried about you. Isn't that interesting? During your hardest times faced with trials and temptations you might very well be where God wants you at. I also said I didn't feel qualified or worthy, but I've heard it said God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. These are things I know and have known but... But I didn't believe it to be true for me. I didn't understand, and honestly I'm still learning.
Last year I let camp pass again without me. Last year I didn't feel called to go because I was still recovering from where I hit rock bottom the year before. But now? Now I feel I've wasted the last two years of my life not being where God wanted me to be; choosing not to be there for the kids who are not my own. This year I felt the burden of camp on my chest again. This year when the only adult that would be going with our kids to camp had a change of schedule and wouldn't be able to attend, that burden to go became much stronger. God blessed me with the ability to take my sister Sofia (13) along with me. And the last night before camp and I'm crying because I don't want to go and my husband is telling me it's my choice... I chose to go anyway.
I felt like I floundered around camp all week not knowing what I was doing. I tried to be there for our kids from church and feel like maybe I managed to be good enough. There was no one there I could relate to. No one in the boat I'm in. There were the highschool kids who were campers, and then mostly people 10 years or older that were doing the same job I had but with more authority than I felt I had. I put MRS. real big on my nametag but it didn't get much notice. I had people all over camp guessing my age, the oldest guess what 19 the youngest guess was 14 (psst I'm 25). Camp was tiring and stressful, but I'm glad I went.
God revealed something new to me, a side of Him that I've never really thought of and means so very much. I don't have a close relationship with my dad, I did when I was little but that was a long time ago, so when people tell me that God is my Heavenly Father... I try to see Him in that loving role and I have trouble holding that image. Seeing God as a King feels distant and I don't see a relationship with that. I don't have any children so the view of me being His daughter gets lost. But you know what I have? Lots of siblings.
I recently got to spend time with my sister Sarah (19). Sarah has become such a beautiful, strong Christian woman. I don't know where the time went, I don't know how she became this way, but gosh am I so very proud of her. Sarah has just joined the Air Force Reserves. I have asked Sarah why so many times, but she couldn't answer. It was so obvious her reasons for not wanting to go (a certain guy named Chris) that I couldn't see how in the world she could leave. Why, why, why?! Then I talked to mom. Mom doesn't have an answer except this: Sarah fasted and prayed the weekend before she turned in her papers. Sarah has chosen to join because for some reason she feels God wants her to do that. Sarah may be my younger sister, but right now she's also my role model.
My sister Sofia (13) I just got to spend two weeks with. I love Sofia so much! I also have a strong bond with my sister Sabrina (17). My other three siblings I don't have such a strong bond with, but I love them very much too.
My love for my siblings has recently been strengthened by being in their presence, and the love I have for my siblings goes beyond words. I realized God is not just a King, I'm not just His daughter or He my Father, but Jesus is also my Brother. We are co-heirs to the kingdom of God through Jesus Christ, God's Son. That makes Him my Older Brother! That's a love I can understand! God has an agape love for us, and that's the love I have for my siblings. I dearly want what's best for my siblings and what will make them happy, but Jesus? Jesus is God! Not only does He want what's best for me He knows, and not a know like I think I know what's best for my siblings, but a KNOW that goes beyond our understanding because He's God.
Whether or not we ever have children of our own. Whether or not we become foster parents. Whether or not... so many different things! I don't know what God's plan is for my future, but I'm ready to start finding out and forgetting about my own. Right now I feel I'm supposed to be there for the kids at my church, I don't know what exactly that means, but it's a start, so here I go.
