When our good friends Jonathan, Cherish, and their kids (aka our pastor and his family) left our church to go work at a church camp all summer.... It hurt. Our only real friends in the area.... My favorite pastor I've ever had... The little girls we loved as if they were our own. Gone. I knew it was a good opportunity for them to work at the church camp so I repressed my feelings so I could encourage them. I saved my tears for when they weren't around, and after a week I was ok. (or so I thought)
I've been repressing the infertility feelings for a while and thought everything was ok in that department too. But seeing Jared's little girl cousin wrapped around his neck for a whole day... He was loving it so much I could barely look at them. He wants to be a daddy so bad. And did I mention getting a new kitten was Jared's idea? We got the dog when I was depressed about wanting a kid, got the cat when I was depressed again, and the new kitten? This kitten was his idea, is he depressed over not having a kid? I don't even want to think about it....
I'd gotten used to having a church family. All those wonderful Christians who I knew were there for me when I needed them. What happened to them!?! Jonathan's mom, and Cherish's parents were like family to us. And now? Well Cherish's parents haven't been to our church since Jonathan stopped preaching there. And Jonathan's mom slowly followed suit. The only other ones we felt close to were Judy and Rodger. Rodger is usually out on the road, and Judy devotes all her time to the kids at church. If there are no kids that day, no Judy. Us? We just fall through the cracks.
And it's not just the church family I miss, it's the teaching! I always learned something when Jonathan taught us. But now we've got kind of a rotation of three ministers. One of them I feel assaulted every time he preaches and we won't be going back when he does. Another always talks about our government, military, how it was founded by God and we need to get back to that... And the last always gives one of those "get saved today" type sermons. Not a one fills any kind of spiritual hunger I have, and let me tell you... I feel like I'm starving. We've begun the process of trying new churches.
I bottle up all these feelings and trick myself into thinking I'm doing ok, and then... Tonight Judy let me know that all the kids are gone at VBS this week. And you know what that means? She won't be there herself. And all of a sudden I start feeling this weight being brought back down on my shoulders, a sinking feeling in my stomach, and before I know it I'm wanting to ball my eyes out. Weeping so hard I can barely breathe. I'm not even that close with Judy, but her not being there reminds me just how distant we really are.
I feel so alone...
Maybe we'll try a new church tonight.
