Pretending parenthood

Some mornings my heart hurts. I just feel so sad and depressed wondering why I even feel that way. I've been ok for so long, why do I want to cry over my lack of children now? We'll be foster parents soon and people are congratulating us as if it were a pregnancy announcement. My mother-in-law asked when we'll get our first kid. She said it's like waiting for my labor to start, the grandma in her is on the edge of her seat. My mom made the comment about wanting to make those shoeboxes for our foster kids, said they'd be a welcome to the family gift from their grandparents, aunts and uncles. Why does this break my heart?! The first time my parents will be grandparents... the first time my sisters and brothers will be aunts and uncles... Will be to a foster kid? I hope like the very first kid we get we'll be able to adopt. I dunno, something about them getting so excited about a child that probably won't get to stay... It's hard. How excited are they going to be when it's number six? thirteen? twenty-one? Will they still be excited when we're foster parents once again? What if some of the kids aren't even around long enough to know their names? The new will wear off. What if we never get to adopt one? What if our kids are always temporary and then my sister gets pregnant before me and they get a "real" grandchild and I just fade into the background? I'm wishing more and more that I were pregnant so people would have a real reason to say congratulations cause somehow I feel becoming foster parents isn't worthy of that word. When/if we adopt it'll be ok then, but now... We'll just be "pretend" parents, not real ones. Not unless I get pregnant or one kid gets to stay it's just pretending, isn't it? I doubt I'll get treated like a real mom by those who really are moms... because... well I won't be. Lots of younger siblings, nursery, daycare, been a nanny twice... I know a thing or two about kids!!! I'm tired of being treated like I don't simply because I'm not a mom. Bleh