Bear with me while I tell you a story:
Once upon a mountaintop, three trees dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up.
"I want to hold treasure," the first tree said. "I will be the most beautiful treasure chest in the whole world!"
"I want to be a strong sailing ship," the second tree said.
"I will be the strongest ship in the world."
"I don't want to leave this mountaintop at all," the third tree said. "I want to grow so tall that when people look at me they will raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!"
One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain.
With a swoop of the first man's axe, the first tree fell.
With a swish of the seconds man's axe, the second tree fell.
With a slash of the third man's axe, the third tree fell.
The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought him to a carpenter's shop, but the busy carpenter was not thinking about treasure chests. Instead his work-worn hands fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals.
The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took him to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ships were built that day. Instead the once-strong tree was made into a simple fishing boat.
The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard.
"What happened?" the once-tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted to do was point to God."
Many, many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams.
But one night golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box.
And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in all the world.
One evening a tired traveller and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat.
When a storm arose, the second tree shuddered. But when the traveller stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace," the storm stopped.
And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the King of heaven and earth.
One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the woodpile.
She shivered when she was dragged through an angry crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.
She felt ugly and harsh and cruel.
But on Sunday morning when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew God's love had changed everything.
It had made the first tree beautiful.
It had made the second tree strong.
And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God.
That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.
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I've considered making a YouTube channel just to read out loud books that I love. That book I just shared? I've looked on YouTube, I don't see that one on there to share with you guys, so I might just have to make one myself. Anyway....
Several years ago I was at the library in the kids section when I saw this board book. Soon as I saw the title I remembered hearing this poem read aloud at church by our pastor when I was a youth. I saw it, I recognized it, I picked it up and began reading it, and then had to go buy a copy for myself to keep. This story, this version of this story, it hit me so hard I was surprised. Why? Because of how much I identify with the third tree.
I read this book through the eyes of infertility. I read this book coming from the perspective that has been my life. I read this book thinking about the dreams that God had placed in MY heart. My dream? My dream has always been to be a mom. A stay at home mom, of a bunch of kids. I wanted a BIG family!!! I want a big family, and I want to homeschool them. And I want all my kids to be close together. I dream of stair-stepper kids, and them loving each other so much that they WANT to share a bedroom. And....
Ok so my dream has been added onto more and more over the years, but the root dream to it all is that I want a big family. I always have. I try to get away from that dream and that dream just keeps knocking. I've struggled with that dream because... Infertility!!!!!
The third tree has a dream: "I don't want to leave this mountaintop at all," the third tree said. "I want to grow so tall that when people look at me they will raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!"
-Me? My dream was a bit more selfish than the third tree and had nothing to do with God, I just wanted a big family because I wanted a big family. I got married young and was ready for my dream come true to begin! Any day now I'll be pregnant and my big beautiful family will start! And then we'll have another, and another....
-The third tree didn't want to go anywhere at all for her dream come true to happen, and neither did I.
The third tree: "With a slash of the third man's axe, the third tree fell.....
The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard.
"What happened?" the once-tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted to do was point to God."
-Me? As the one year mark of our marriage came around I started looking for a job, because I thought, "I want to be a stay at home mom, but what's the point of staying home without the mom part?"
-The third tree was confused as she was removed from the mountain top where naturally her dream come true should have happened, and I was confused because, well, didn't God design women to be mothers? All I dreamed was to become a mom, why wasn't it happening?
The third tree: "One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the woodpile.
She shivered when she was dragged through an angry crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.
She felt ugly and harsh and cruel."
-Me? I watched friends and family all around me getting pregnant. I watched as some people who didn't want to be pregnant get pregnant. And I just... What about me? Why them and not me?
-The third tree felt ugly and harsh and cruel because of what she went through. I felt cursed, forgotten, unloved by God....
The third tree: "But on Sunday morning when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew God's love had changed everything.
...every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God.
That was better than being the tallest tree in the world."
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This story fills me with such hope! Hope that when my story ends, it'll end in a way that is better than I could ever have imagined it. I already have 3 precious wonderful kids that I never would have gotten to be their mom if it wasn't for everything I went through before, and I praise God for that! I'd go through it all again just for them, but somehow I don't think it ends here. The three trees? The three trees all had dreams within them, but they didn't fully understand what those dreams were there for until they were fulfilled. They didn't see what it would take for them to get there. They didn't know that their dreams would one day come true, but come true in a way that was better than they could have possibly imagined. I have a dream!!!!! I have this dream to have a big family, a dream that I've had within me for so long.... I try to get away from wanting that, but it keeps coming back. And I have another dream, another dream that I don't even want to talk about because of how much I've tried to get away from it, but that other dream keeps knocking too.
"The deep desires you have within your heart are not of your own—they were not planted there by you, but by the One who created you. And He wants you to know today that what He has planted in the soft fertile soil of your heart, He will one day make grow in your arms as you rock them to sleep…" - Elisha Kearns author of
You see I read the words of Elisha and I argue with them. I've argued with them in my mind many many times. Argued that the dream within me, that it isn't from God. Even though I've argued with it, and it keeps coming back, I want to deny that it's even there. Because, me? Pregnant? It's been almost 16 years...
I don't want it so much for me anymore, I want it for my kids. Darrell, James, and Edwin have all known siblings who have left. Whether or not they remember all those times, they've still known that loss. They've still experienced that heartbreak. And right now? Right now they fear they'll experience it again. Oh how I dream there could be just one, just once, that they'd never have to say goodbye to. Oh how I dream they could meet a sibling without any fear that they might leave. And to be pregnant?!?! They could know about this sibling coming before they come! We could get things ready! Plan ahead! This child??? This child would have their last name from the START! No waiting around for one-day someday maybe to be told by a Judge that they get to stay with us forever, forever starts now! Even before they are born. Oh how I dream....
I thought I was done dreaming of pregnancy, but I haven't at all. I was done, done trying, done hoping and expecting, thought this was just my lot in life and for me it would never happen. I finally "moved on" and trashed my pregnancy test strips. I was done. God I forgive You if You never take away my reproach. And I thought that was exactly what He had in mind, that I was to be content and satisfied without ever being pregnant. That this would be my story. And then.....
Then God laid it on someone's heart to pray for baby Ira-Belle.
What? Deer caught in the headlights I was so confused. Ira-Belle? My pregnancy test strips I had just trashed, just trashed so recently they were probably still in the can outside and hadn't made it to the dumpster yet. Ira-Belle? Did she read that post? Read it to the end?? What???
Lemme give you a recap, the post I made entitled with that name, Irene Annabelle (Ira-Belle for short), ended with me saying that I believed God was going to KEEP me infertile. That I myself would never have a child biologically. That's how it ended, that's what I believed, and then this lady I know says with such excitement to me that God has her praying for baby Ira-Belle?
Y'all I'm tired. I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I'm tired of getting on board for reunification and THEN things change and the kids stay. Or I think that they ARE going to stay, and then things change and they don't stay. And then there's this. I finally MOVED ON! I trashed the pregnancy test strips I had in bulk in my drawer. I trashed them! And now? When I have JUST NOW decided to "move on" God says I don't need to? I.....
Guys I have fought so hard for so long to deny thoughts of still wanting to experience a pregnancy. Allowing those thoughts back... allowing myself to dream again... allowing.... Gosh I didn't realize just how badly I still want that. But as I said, I want it more for them. I want it for my kids, I want it for my husband, I want it for my mom and my siblings and our best friends. I want everyone to get to know a kid of ours without fear they might leave. To not hold back. To love them fully from the start. I want Darrell, James, and Edwin to get to feel their sibling kick while still inside the womb. Darrell, James, and Edwin have never experienced a pregnant mom before. I want for THEM to get the whole package too. I want to talk with them each week and each month about how their sibling is getting bigger and what size they are now and how they now have fingernails or eyelashes and they get hiccups. I want them to see ultrasound pictures. I want them to hear the woosh-woosh of the baby's heartbeat that sounds like a washing machine.
Ira-Belle means "answer to our prayers". I didn't even realize I was still praying for a pregnancy. I've been dreaming and praying to not have to support reunification again. Dreaming and praying to have a child I wouldn't have to say goodbye to. Dreaming for once I could say hello and not say goodbye. I thought my prayers answer was in the siblings we have with us NOT leaving again. Or maybe their newborn sister would join us and never leave... But that didn't happen. She didn't come join us when she was born. And now the others look like they might leave us after all...
But then here is this word. This word from God. This promise. There have been visions and words and... And I'm going to be pregnant. God says I'm going to be pregnant. My womb is open. Now's the time. I don't know when "now" is in God's timing, but she could be currently in my womb as I'm typing this tonight. She could be. She might be. I'm praying that she is.
Irene Annabelle or Ira-Belle if you prefer. Irene means "peace", and every time I read the word peace right now, I think of her name. The thought of having this promise that one day we'll have a child that we won't have to say goodbye to... That's an answer to prayers and it's so beautiful it makes me cry.
So, old infertility blog, I might need to change my little bio again soon! That whole "God has made me barren", that word "barren" that feels like a curse word every time I say it that I've been trying to embrace because I felt that was "me", God wants to take that away. He wants to take away my reproach, a reproach that maybe only I myself place on me, but it's still there.... God says He's going to take it away.
One day I shall laugh with tears of joy and disbelief as it seems so surreal that I hold my little Irene Annabelle in my arms that I've just birthed, as I imagine Sarah did when she held Isaac the first time. Maybe this is the month! Maybe I'll only have 9 more months to wait. ♡