Missed More

Things are so very much different this time around us having foster kids, even with these same kids that we had previously. Last time they weren't school age yet, so all the kids stayed home with me. But this time the kids were older, so this time they have school teachers that will miss them, a school counselor, classmates, a bus driver, kids on the bus, and probably various other people at school who will miss them too. This time they have teachers who want to give them a going away party. They will be missed by more, because they were loved by more. 

Last time we were going to a church that didn't invest in us and our family. Last time these two were in a Sunday school class together, only those two from our family in that age group, and when they left? I wasn't asked where they went. Weeks went by before anyone asked me about my other kids who were missing. This time? This time I grieve at how many at church will miss them!!! Last week they got to be at church with us again because it was a week long visit, and visit didn't start until after church time that day. People at church were so happy to see them. Their Sunday school teacher asked if one of them could sing with her that morning, I know it's because she's missed him. The Pastor's wife, she's told me how much she'll miss his hugs. The Pastor is like a grandpa to our kiddos, and he tears up and grieves with us when they aren't around. The nursery lady misses our youngest when he's not there and wants to come visit us before they leave so she can see him again. They.... So many!!!! My daughter and my other two boys will be missed!!!! And they already are missed. They will be missed more, because they were loved by more.

It hurts to share them with others, because I don't want others to know this pain. I didn't want to join a homeschool group until all my kids were "mine". I didn't want to introduce kids that might later have a different name. I wanted to pretend for a moment that we were a normal family? That ours wasn't pieced together through years of back and forth with foster care and later mended together with adoption and.... I just wanted to present the finished quilt or whatever and not let people see the mess as it was being created. So I waited, and waited, and waited.... And then I heard of a mom's night out and thought, I could do that! I wouldn't HAVE to tell them anything. And the kids wouldn't be with me meeting anyone. And then... And then I went and I couldn't keep it secret. When I told how many kids I have, some comment was made about how great I look for having so many kids, or couldn't I keep my legs together, or man my husband must love me, I don't know, lol. I really don't remember what the comment was, I've heard a few over the years. Anyway, there it was! The easy opening for me to confess the truth about how my kids aren't biologically mine. Do I keep it secret for a little while? Do I let them think we're "normal" for right now? Do I let that mask stay, or do I reveal myself for who I really am and be ME from the very beginning with these new ladies I hope to make at least one friend with? And I told. I TOLD!!! I opened up and shared about our story and how I hoped that we'd have TPR soon and an adoption date.... And later things changed. And those new ladies? I made more than one friend that night, and now I have more people who HURT with me. More people who ask how I'm doing. More people who have seen me cry. More people who.... I got this image the other day from one of them:

I have more people in my life this time around who love my kids simply because I love my kids, who might not even really know my kids at all. Which means they will be missed more, because they were loved by more through me. 

This stuff is hard. It's hard seeing people hurt. And their hurt, makes me hurt. And I have to remind myself that it's not my fault!!! It's not my fault that they hurt. Because it feels like my fault. If I hadn't of said yes to them coming here.... if I hadn't of opened up.... if I..... But I know there's no way we would have said no to them coming here. I could have kept quiet and not opened up so much, but then my friend goes and sends me that picture and I have to remind myself that it's ok to let others hurt with me....

I've cried a lot today. Today there's been talk about going away parties. In all our years of being foster parents, with all the goodbyes we've said, we've never had a going away party for any of our kids. I mentioned that to my husband and he said, that's because this time more people are invested in our family. And I started crying again as I told him that's what this post is about that I've been working on. That they will be missed more, because they were loved by more. 

Anyway, nuff said for now, goodnight.

You Make Everything Beautiful

There's this movie called Unsung Hero that all my kids love. I know why I love the movie, because it's my kind of movie, but I don't know why my kids love it. It's the story behind a family and how they got to being who they are today. The story behind Rebecca St. James, and For King & Country (who are Rebecca's little brothers). The story of their family.

I love movies and books that give me an inside view on things. A different kind of perspective. A glimpse into a world that I may never have known anything else about otherwise. I like movies about people like Helen Keller who was both deaf and blind, how?!?! How does someone like that ever function and survive and how in the world would you ever raise a child like that? And... And she became someone amazing?!?!?! She didn't just completely fall through the cracks? How?!?!?? Her story is amazing! I like stuff like that. I like movies about people with cancer and diseases and deformities. I like not only learning more about what the person they themselves go through, but also what things the family experiences as they face such difficulties in their lives. I want to learn more! I'm curious about all of it, but I also want to understand more. Know what else is crazy? Faith. People who have faith through it all. I think that's part of why I like the old testament stories of Abram/Abraham and David and such so much. Abraham might be in the hall of faith, BUT he did NOT start out there. He didn't!!!! He has a story that eventually brought him to being the person they remember him for. I'd like a story like that, I think, lol. I don't think who I am today is someone to be remembered in the hall of faith, I'm still trying to get away from wanting to make things happen myself instead of trusting God to be God. It's hard. Hard not to want to do whatever I can to MAKE what I want to happen happen. I can't do that. If God let's things happen that I want to happen when I'm trying SO HARD to make those things happen? Hello pride! Or maybe even regret. I have regrets from trying to make things happen last time around with kids staying or going, and I refuse to be that person again. No regrets! And if I get pregnant when I'm doing whatever I can to MAKE that happen? Even though I know that there is in no way that I could ever MAKE that happen, I still can see pride creeping in trying to tell me I did something that helped God make it happen. This stuff? It's going to be a "God thing" if they ever happen, not a me thing or a Jared thing or whatever, it'll be a God thing. I gotta get my hands off, and TRUST that He's got this. Anyway, about that movie, where was I going with this?...

In that movie, Unsung Hero, their family goes through a lot of hardships. They leave behind their home in Australia to come to America for a job, they get here and that job falls through, then they're broke and barely making it, but God keeps showing up around every corner to keep them going. Doors close, and doors open, and their family keeps pushing through. Why do my kids like this movie? Is it because it's something REAL? There's so much out there for entertainment and sometimes you just crave something more than the numb junk of the world, and this is real. This is a true story. Is it because of that? Is it because it's an origin story of a band that they like listening to on the radio? Is it because it features many songs that they already know and love? Maybe they like this movie because it's about a large family, and they too are one of many kids. Or maybe, maybe it's because it's a story of hope. The part my kids love the most is the song that the whole story leads up to: You Make Everything Beautiful by Rebecca St. James. Hope. It's hope. It's hope that what we are going through right now? God's going to make it beautiful in the end! Here's the lyrics:

Grant me serenity to accept things

The things I cannot change

Grant me the courage, Lord, to change what I can

Wisdom to know the difference

In my weakness You can shine

In Your strength I can fly and

And You make everything, everything beautiful

You make everything, everything new

You make everything, everything beautiful

In its time, in Your time

It's beautiful

Grant me serenity, Lord, and patience

For things will take time

Grant me freedom to walk a new path

And let me feel Your love

In my weakness You can shine

In Your strength I can fly and

And You make everything, everything beautiful

You make everything, everything new

You make everything, everything beautiful

In its time, in Your time

It's beautiful

Lifting open hands to You my Savior

Beautify my soul

Knowing You redeem my pain and failure

Purify my soul

Beautify my soul

And You make everything, everything beautiful

You make everything, everything new

You make everything, everything beautiful

In its time, in Your time

It's beautiful

When I step back and look at things, I think in the end God is going to make the story of our family beautiful. I don't know when, I'm not sure how, but I have hope that one day this story doesn't end in heartbreak and disappointment. He will make everything beautiful in its time, in His time, He will make it beautiful. 

Thoughts

Some of the sights I see now,

I won't see.

Like him riding his big sister's bike,

And wearing her hand-me-down jeans.

I listen to them fight,

While I rake the seed pod things,

And my eyes start tearing up,

As I think I'll miss hearing all these.

Reality starts to hit,

Of all the things that I will miss.

Two of the the three, 

The only ones put to bed by me...

I suppose I won't hear from the school anymore, 

And there will be no more waiting for the bus to arrive,

And we won't have transport from therapies anymore, 

All the kids hated that drive.

But I also won't hear them playing pretend,

And there won't be someone with a fascination with cops,

And I will no longer have someone crying at my ankles,

Like he has to have mama at all costs.

Empty seats at the table,

No point in me having a van, 

What will we do with the spare bedroom?

I'd rather not think about it if I can.

But here I think over and over,

How many toys will be gone,

How much laundry, how much fewer dishes,

And the little girl who likes her bedtime songs.

Life won't cost as much,

With so many less to feed,

And life will be so quiet,

When we're back down to three.

We can enjoy late night movies again, 

And go back to the theater,

And library days are so much better,

But I'd rather have two more hims and a her.

One day at a time,

They're not gone yet,

And God will give me the strength that I need,

When it's time I bet.

Because He always has, 

And He always will, 

And I'm pretty sure He will again,

But I forget that from time to time,

And life is hard my friend.

Something Deeper

I hurt, he hurts, we're all hurting. I fear sometimes sounding calloused. Maybe I am a bit? A bit calloused to the pain. I talk with a smile, or at least without tears or sighs, as I simply state facts about the case and where things sit these days. I talk much the same as I state the heartaches of the past, or my dread of the future, and without emotion you might not know it hurts either one. But it does, or at least it should, and I'm trying to allow myself to feel the pain. 

Pain I feel 

I have to hide, 

propriety says

it's got to stay inside, 

 

and then it stays, 

where it doesn't belong,

and then I'm back 

here on my blog...  

 

Hi y'all! 

Here's something I wrote to some family and friends last night:

Today was our second Sunday without them. 

First it's Sundays, then Saturday/Sunday, then Friday night through Sunday, the whole week of Thanksgiving, and a move out date in December. 

Many of you I've mentioned it to already, but saying it more broadly.... It makes it more real. A reality I don't want to think about. A reality that has me confused. A reality that... I don't even know. I don't know how to process it, so oftentimes I just don't. I don't process.

Today at church things were different. Everyone talked about how The Spirit was moving. Everyone felt it. So much was going on and so much happened and I.... I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I wasn't all there. I feel like there's a wall between me and my emotions sometimes. Today I was physically present, but I'm not sure where I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I don't know. I didn't feel connected.

Next week we have plans to go to an autumn festival type thing with their birth parents and their baby sister. It'll be on "their time" with visit, and end on "our time" to take the kids home with us. I look back and remember the day we met sissy in the hospital, it was a good day! But I was SO VERY emotionally DRAINED afterwards. I crashed and burned the next day, and the day after that. I think maybe it's the wearing the mask? The walking the line. The keeping small talk and pleasant talk and keeping it about the kids and trying not to say anything that'll offend and trying to not let anything that's said offend me and.... the list never ends. I think mostly it's keeping the energy like everything is fine and dandy. Walking that line and making it look easy? I'm not good with quiet, my siblings can attest to this. They get quiet with me, and next thing I'm just saying something awkward that fills the silence... So birth parents? I might not say something "awkward", but it's like I feel I HAVE to keep the small talk going. And birth mom? There's no give and take, it's all me. (Kinda like with my siblings sometimes... hey it's not all MY fault I get to saying awkward stuff, if they'd just start talking too... 😜 ).

Point is, I'm dreading our day together with them. Not because I think it'll be a bad day. Or a bad idea. Or... it's just heavy.

I feel some of my wall coming down typing this out to you guys. Thanks for listening.

-------

I told y'all in my post, God is Good, that we had "peace" after the court hearing in July. And we did! We had some. It was odd, but we had it. Everything had changed, and there was hurt, but there was also peace. There's a peace in knowing/feeling that God's got this. Knowing/believing that in the end? In the end things will be GOOD because HE'S got this. Here's a poem my husband wrote about it in July:

As the light fades

The tears begin to roll

My heart aches

The pang of loss takes its toll

There is pain in the mourning

In the dark of night

Contemplation stills my soul

Hope and fear, joy and pain

The memories roll

There is quiet in the mourning 

The light of dawn

Softening the pain of loss

My mind is calm

Though life's tempests toss

There is peace in the mourning 

As the sun dispels

The last vestige of night

The tears fade

With the morning light

There is joy in the mourning.

-------

I'm sure I had peace, I really did, at least for a week or two. And then? And then I think I've just become more and more distant from my emotions. Though I've tried to process all that happened in July, I've not processed it. Here's a few things I wrote in my notebook in September:

God You saw me cry, the first night I found out. You saw my tears flowing, couldn't keep them in the next day. You saw them, where are they now? I feel like I can't cry, not about that, where's the pain? How do I feel like I'd be ok if everything changed? Wouldn't I miss them? Wouldn't I hurt? Wouldn't there be a gaping hole in my chest again? I hurt when I think of others hurting, but what about my own pain? Do I feel anything? God You saw my tears, where are they now? I cry now as I fear those tears are gone. I hurt at the thought that they could leave them, I want to hurt at the thought that they could leave me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God if this is You, why? I was clinging to their names believing it means eventually they'll all be their names. All be adopted by us. But then... Where we are at in this case is also You. The names are from You, but us back in the boat of reunification? That's also You. I'm so confused. How do I fully support reunification when I also believe it won't last? Again? I'm overthinking again....

     I need to just keep rowing. Maybe You did give me all those names. And maybe they do mean eventually they'll all be adopted by us. And maybe You are the reason we are working reunification again. Maybe all these things can completely co-exist. I just need to quit thinking and just keep doing whatever it is I think You want me to be doing. I keep being told to watch and see what You are going to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You said, "Suzanna, the assignment hasn't changed."

What does that mean?!?!?! 

-------

We had court again in October, and though things changed in July, things have officially changed further as we were given an increasing visitation schedule with an end goal of the kids moving out of our home in December. Here's my writing through some of that....

God, what is the plan? As always, trust in Him. Trust in Him? Trust in Him?!? I don't get to know the plan. That's the point of trust! If you knew every detail, every jot and tiddle, every everything, where's the need for trust? God's got this, whether I feel it, know it, or not. Do I believe? Do I have faith? Do I trust? Has He brought me through before? Yes! Can He do it again? Yes! Will He? Why does my answer want to be, "I don't know."? That's where you have to trust! He has before, and He will again, and what He has spoken hasn't changed, and He hasn't changed, and He doesn't change, and... Do I trust Him?!? Do I trust Him with my heart and the heart of my kids? He's not going to play with it!!! My heart in His hands is the safest place it could ever be. I don't need to know the plan, I just need to trust He's got this.

-------

A poem of my husband's:

Silence

I longed for silence 

Not long ago

Now it's heavy

The burden grows

I feel its weight 

I hear its rebuke 

"You asked for silence!"

Oh I could puke

The quiet hours

The silent days

The painful whispers

There always

It's barely started

Now it's days

Then it's weeks

Then always? 

Where's the peace 

I found in mourning?

What's the chaos 

That is forming? 

Oh God! 

You were so near!

I need you!

Now I'm drowning in my fear!

"When I trust you

I don't need to understand "

Let me hide in your cloak

Hold me in your hands.

Fill the silence 

Lift my burden

Guide my steps 

Make them certain

‐------

So anyway, there's that! I hurt, he hurts, we all hurt. I didn't share the hurt of the kids, but there's definitely a lot of hurt going on with them too. Hurt, confusion, and chaos. 💔

The Third Tree & Me

Bear with me while I tell you a story:

Once upon a mountaintop, three trees dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up.

"I want to hold treasure," the first tree said. "I will be the most beautiful treasure chest in the whole world!"

     "I want to be a strong sailing ship," the second tree said. 

     "I will be the strongest ship in the world."

     "I don't want to leave this mountaintop at all," the third tree said. "I want to grow so tall that when people look at me they will raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!"

One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain.

     With a swoop of the first man's axe, the first tree fell.

     With a swish of the seconds man's axe, the second tree fell.

     With a slash of the third man's axe, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought him to a carpenter's shop, but the busy carpenter was not thinking about treasure chests. Instead his work-worn hands fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. 

The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took him to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ships were built that day. Instead the once-strong tree was made into a simple fishing boat.

The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard.

     "What happened?" the once-tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted to do was point to God."

Many, many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams.

     But one night golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box.

     And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in all the world.

One evening a tired traveller and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat.

     When a storm arose, the second tree shuddered. But when the traveller stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace," the storm stopped. 

     And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the King of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the woodpile.

     She shivered when she was dragged through an angry crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.

     She felt ugly and harsh and cruel.

But on Sunday morning when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew God's love had changed everything. 

     It had made the first tree beautiful. 

     It had made the second tree strong.

     And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. 

That was better than being the tallest tree in the world. 

‐-------------------------------

I've considered making a YouTube channel just to read out loud books that I love. That book I just shared? I've looked on YouTube, I don't see that one on there to share with you guys, so I might just have to make one myself. Anyway....

Several years ago I was at the library in the kids section when I saw this board book. Soon as I saw the title I remembered hearing this poem read aloud at church by our pastor when I was a youth. I saw it, I recognized it, I picked it up and began reading it, and then had to go buy a copy for myself to keep. This story, this version of this story, it hit me so hard I was surprised. Why? Because of how much I identify with the third tree. 

I read this book through the eyes of infertility. I read this book coming from the perspective that has been my life. I read this book thinking about the dreams that God had placed in MY heart. My dream? My dream has always been to be a mom. A stay at home mom, of a bunch of kids. I wanted a BIG family!!! I want a big family, and I want to homeschool them. And I want all my kids to be close together. I dream of stair-stepper kids, and them loving each other so much that they WANT to share a bedroom. And.... 

Ok so my dream has been added onto more and more over the years, but the root dream to it all is that I want a big family. I always have. I try to get away from that dream and that dream just keeps knocking. I've struggled with that dream because... Infertility!!!!!

The third tree has a dream: "I don't want to leave this mountaintop at all," the third tree said. "I want to grow so tall that when people look at me they will raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!"

     -Me? My dream was a bit more selfish than the third tree and had nothing to do with God, I just wanted a big family because I wanted a big family. I got married young and was ready for my dream come true to begin! Any day now I'll be pregnant and my big beautiful family will start! And then we'll have another, and another.... 

     -The third tree didn't want to go anywhere at all for her dream come true to happen, and neither did I. 

The third tree: "With a slash of the third man's axe, the third tree fell..... 

     The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard.

     "What happened?" the once-tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted to do was point to God."

     -Me? As the one year mark of our marriage came around I started looking for a job, because I thought, "I want to be a stay at home mom, but what's the point of staying home without the mom part?"

     -The third tree was confused as she was removed from the mountain top where naturally her dream come true should have happened, and I was confused because, well, didn't God design women to be mothers? All I dreamed was to become a mom, why wasn't it happening?

The third tree: "One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the woodpile.

     She shivered when she was dragged through an angry crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.

     She felt ugly and harsh and cruel."

     -Me? I watched friends and family all around me getting pregnant. I watched as some people who didn't want to be pregnant get pregnant. And I just... What about me? Why them and not me?

     -The third tree felt ugly and harsh and cruel because of what she went through. I felt cursed, forgotten, unloved by God....

The third tree: "But on Sunday morning when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew God's love had changed everything.

     ...every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. 

     That was better than being the tallest tree in the world."

------------ 

This story fills me with such hope! Hope that when my story ends, it'll end in a way that is better than I could ever have imagined it. I already have 3 precious wonderful kids that I never would have gotten to be their mom if it wasn't for everything I went through before, and I praise God for that! I'd go through it all again just for them, but somehow I don't think it ends here. The three trees? The three trees all had dreams within them, but they didn't fully understand what those dreams were there for until they were fulfilled. They didn't see what it would take for them to get there. They didn't know that their dreams would one day come true, but come true in a way that was better than they could have possibly imagined. I have a dream!!!!! I have this dream to have a big family, a dream that I've had within me for so long.... I try to get away from wanting that, but it keeps coming back. And I have another dream, another dream that I don't even want to talk about because of how much I've tried to get away from it, but that other dream keeps knocking too.

"The deep desires you have within your heart are not of your own—they were not planted there by you, but by the One who created you. And He wants you to know today that what He has planted in the soft fertile soil of your heart, He will one day make grow in your arms as you rock them to sleep…" - Elisha Kearns author of

Waiting For Baby Bird 

You see I read the words of Elisha and I argue with them. I've argued with them in my mind many many times. Argued that the dream within me, that it isn't from God. Even though I've argued with it, and it keeps coming back, I want to deny that it's even there. Because, me? Pregnant? It's been almost 16 years...

I don't want it so much for me anymore, I want it for my kids. Darrell, James, and Edwin have all known siblings who have left. Whether or not they remember all those times, they've still known that loss. They've still experienced that heartbreak. And right now? Right now they fear they'll experience it again. Oh how I dream there could be just one, just once, that they'd never have to say goodbye to. Oh how I dream they could meet a sibling without any fear that they might leave. And to be pregnant?!?! They could know about this sibling coming before they come! We could get things ready! Plan ahead! This child??? This child would have their last name from the START! No waiting around for one-day someday maybe to be told by a Judge that they get to stay with us forever, forever starts now! Even before they are born. Oh how I dream....

     I thought I was done dreaming of pregnancy, but I haven't at all. I was done, done trying, done hoping and expecting, thought this was just my lot in life and for me it would never happen. I finally "moved on" and trashed my pregnancy test strips. I was done. God I forgive You if You never take away my reproach. And I thought that was exactly what He had in mind, that I was to be content and satisfied without ever being pregnant. That this would be my story. And then..... 

     Then God laid it on someone's heart to pray for baby Ira-Belle. 

What? Deer caught in the headlights I was so confused. Ira-Belle? My pregnancy test strips I had just trashed, just trashed so recently they were probably still in the can outside and hadn't made it to the dumpster yet. Ira-Belle? Did she read that post? Read it to the end?? What???

Lemme give you a recap, the post I made entitled with that name, Irene Annabelle (Ira-Belle for short), ended with me saying that I believed God was going to KEEP me infertile. That I myself would never have a child biologically. That's how it ended, that's what I believed, and then this lady I know says with such excitement to me that God has her praying for baby Ira-Belle?

Y'all I'm tired. I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I'm tired of getting on board for reunification and THEN things change and the kids stay. Or I think that they ARE going to stay, and then things change and they don't stay. And then there's this. I finally MOVED ON! I trashed the pregnancy test strips I had in bulk in my drawer. I trashed them! And now? When I have JUST NOW decided to "move on" God says I don't need to? I.....

Guys I have fought so hard for so long to deny thoughts of still wanting to experience a pregnancy. Allowing those thoughts back... allowing myself to dream again... allowing.... Gosh I didn't realize just how badly I still want that. But as I said, I want it more for them. I want it for my kids, I want it for my husband, I want it for my mom and my siblings and our best friends. I want everyone to get to know a kid of ours without fear they might leave. To not hold back. To love them fully from the start. I want Darrell, James, and Edwin to get to feel their sibling kick while still inside the womb. Darrell, James, and Edwin have never experienced a pregnant mom before. I want for THEM to get the whole package too. I want to talk with them each week and each month about how their sibling is getting bigger and what size they are now and how they now have fingernails or eyelashes and they get hiccups. I want them to see ultrasound pictures. I want them to hear the woosh-woosh of the baby's heartbeat that sounds like a washing machine. 

Ira-Belle means "answer to our prayers". I didn't even realize I was still praying for a pregnancy. I've been dreaming and praying to not have to support reunification again. Dreaming and praying to have a child I wouldn't have to say goodbye to. Dreaming for once I could say hello and not say goodbye. I thought my prayers answer was in the siblings we have with us NOT leaving again. Or maybe their newborn sister would join us and never leave... But that didn't happen. She didn't come join us when she was born. And now the others look like they might leave us after all...

     But then here is this word. This word from God. This promise. There have been visions and words and... And I'm going to be pregnant. God says I'm going to be pregnant. My womb is open. Now's the time. I don't know when "now" is in God's timing, but she could be currently in my womb as I'm typing this tonight. She could be. She might be. I'm praying that she is. 

     Irene Annabelle or Ira-Belle if you prefer. Irene means "peace", and every time I read the word peace right now, I think of her name. The thought of having this promise that one day we'll have a child that we won't have to say goodbye to... That's an answer to prayers and it's so beautiful it makes me cry. 

So, old infertility blog, I might need to change my little bio again soon! That whole "God has made me barren", that word "barren" that feels like a curse word every time I say it that I've been trying to embrace because I felt that was "me", God wants to take that away. He wants to take away my reproach, a reproach that maybe only I myself place on me, but it's still there.... God says He's going to take it away. 

One day I shall laugh with tears of joy and disbelief as it seems so surreal that I hold my little Irene Annabelle in my arms that I've just birthed, as I imagine Sarah did when she held Isaac the first time. Maybe this is the month! Maybe I'll only have 9 more months to wait. ♡