Psalm 107:23-32
"Some went down to the sea in ships,to do business in the vast waters;they saw the works of the Lordand His wonders in the deep water.For He commands and raises the stormy wind,which lifts up the sea waves.The sailors went up to the sky, they came down to the depths;their strength melted because of the great danger.They reeled to and fro and staggered like drunken men,and were completely confused.
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,and He saved them out of their distress.He made the storm calm,and the sea waves were still.
They were glad because the waters were quiet,so He brought them to their desired harbor.Let them praise the Lord for His goodnessand for His wonderful works to the people!
Let them exalt Him in the congregation of the people,and praise him in the assembly of the elders."
It sounds so much like us with foster care. All the ups and downs, the to and fro, the rollercoaster ride. They were confused and staggered like drunken men. I have felt so lost, none of it makes sense! I told you how the kids came back to us on the day I prayed their names! Got wants them here! I even told you how I had a name for another girl who would come from her womb, and though the next sibling born was a boy (a half-blooded sibling), she did get pregnant again with birth dad and had another girl. But that girl? She didn't come here. On the very day we found out she was pregnant, we were contacted about a passenger van. Same day. The conversation about the van was on-going when we heard the news birth mom was expecting again. The reason we'd need the passenger van, right? But then just before she was born everything changed again, and now not only do we not need a passenger van, we all fit in a car. "Staggered like drunken men and were completely confused." God it doesn't make any sense, and yet when I look at things I see Your hand in both. I see Your hand in bringing them here, and in them leaving. "He made the storm calm, and the sea waves were still."
They left. We got rid of the extra beds. We're no longer licensed. "They were glad because the waters were quiet, so He brought them to their desired harbor." I want to say I don't know what my desired harbor is, it's what I was leading up to with all of this, but I do know. My desired harbor is for things to be good between us and their birth parents, and they're not. The waters are quiet right now, but they are too quiet; we're not talking. Cut out the DHS noise? Great! Cut out the drama? Fantastic. But cut out contact? Too much. I've said it over and over again over the years, "I don't know what things look like on the other side, but I want things to be good between us." And I just wrote that again recently in a letter to them, once again trying to open up communication between us. It's been 2 weeks since that letter was hand delivered by the caseworker, and we're waiting to hear anything back. We might give it another week or two and try making contact again. I want things to be good between us, and this isn't it. Maybe things'll get better and we'll become friends and they'll have theirs and we'll have ours. Or maybe one day all the kids are here and adopted by us and things are good between us on the other side of that. My desired harbor doesn't involve a "we're not talking right now" in it. Which surprises a lot of people, and honestly kind of surprises me too a bit, but that's it and it always has been.
And there's this other part of my desired harbor which involves me being pregnant. For us to have a child that we never have to worry will be taken from us simply because we're not the birth parents. A child that we won't be holding our breath until adoption day for them to have our last name, but to have our last name before they even exit the womb? Wow that sounds amazing. God said I will be pregnant when I quit praying that would ever happen, and now I see just how much I never quit hoping it would. Just once I want a kid I never have to support reunification, and that's likely to never happen with foster care.
How desperately I love those kids, and I would trade ever being pregnant to have all of their siblings adopted in our home being raised together. But what I want even more is for my kids to know their birth parents growing up. For one day when they get married they might want both us and them present on their big day. That they'll know them and have a healthy relationship with them before that day gets here. It boggles my own mind that I'd be willing to share my children that much, but that's what I want. I want my children to be whole and complete, and their birth parents are a big part of that. I don't want them ever wondering who their birth parents are, they'll know them for themselves. I want their birth parents to be someone they're proud of knowing, for them to be someone they'd want at their weddings. I can't make that happen, but I can hope and pray and encourage their birth parents to become those people. And I can do my best to allow every opportunity for them to know their kids, but a relationship is two sided and I can't make them keep up their side.
