Something Deeper

I hurt, he hurts, we're all hurting. I fear sometimes sounding calloused. Maybe I am a bit? A bit calloused to the pain. I talk with a smile, or at least without tears or sighs, as I simply state facts about the case and where things sit these days. I talk much the same as I state the heartaches of the past, or my dread of the future, and without emotion you might not know it hurts either one. But it does, or at least it should, and I'm trying to allow myself to feel the pain. 

Pain I feel 

I have to hide, 

propriety says

it's got to stay inside, 

 

and then it stays, 

where it doesn't belong,

and then I'm back 

here on my blog...  

 

Hi y'all! 

Here's something I wrote to some family and friends last night:

Today was our second Sunday without them. 

First it's Sundays, then Saturday/Sunday, then Friday night through Sunday, the whole week of Thanksgiving, and a move out date in December. 

Many of you I've mentioned it to already, but saying it more broadly.... It makes it more real. A reality I don't want to think about. A reality that has me confused. A reality that... I don't even know. I don't know how to process it, so oftentimes I just don't. I don't process.

Today at church things were different. Everyone talked about how The Spirit was moving. Everyone felt it. So much was going on and so much happened and I.... I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I wasn't all there. I feel like there's a wall between me and my emotions sometimes. Today I was physically present, but I'm not sure where I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I don't know. I didn't feel connected.

Next week we have plans to go to an autumn festival type thing with their birth parents and their baby sister. It'll be on "their time" with visit, and end on "our time" to take the kids home with us. I look back and remember the day we met sissy in the hospital, it was a good day! But I was SO VERY emotionally DRAINED afterwards. I crashed and burned the next day, and the day after that. I think maybe it's the wearing the mask? The walking the line. The keeping small talk and pleasant talk and keeping it about the kids and trying not to say anything that'll offend and trying to not let anything that's said offend me and.... the list never ends. I think mostly it's keeping the energy like everything is fine and dandy. Walking that line and making it look easy? I'm not good with quiet, my siblings can attest to this. They get quiet with me, and next thing I'm just saying something awkward that fills the silence... So birth parents? I might not say something "awkward", but it's like I feel I HAVE to keep the small talk going. And birth mom? There's no give and take, it's all me. (Kinda like with my siblings sometimes... hey it's not all MY fault I get to saying awkward stuff, if they'd just start talking too... 😜 ).

Point is, I'm dreading our day together with them. Not because I think it'll be a bad day. Or a bad idea. Or... it's just heavy.

I feel some of my wall coming down typing this out to you guys. Thanks for listening.

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I told y'all in my post, God is Good, that we had "peace" after the court hearing in July. And we did! We had some. It was odd, but we had it. Everything had changed, and there was hurt, but there was also peace. There's a peace in knowing/feeling that God's got this. Knowing/believing that in the end? In the end things will be GOOD because HE'S got this. Here's a poem my husband wrote about it in July:

As the light fades

The tears begin to roll

My heart aches

The pang of loss takes its toll

There is pain in the mourning

In the dark of night

Contemplation stills my soul

Hope and fear, joy and pain

The memories roll

There is quiet in the mourning 

The light of dawn

Softening the pain of loss

My mind is calm

Though life's tempests toss

There is peace in the mourning 

As the sun dispels

The last vestige of night

The tears fade

With the morning light

There is joy in the mourning.

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I'm sure I had peace, I really did, at least for a week or two. And then? And then I think I've just become more and more distant from my emotions. Though I've tried to process all that happened in July, I've not processed it. Here's a few things I wrote in my notebook in September:

God You saw me cry, the first night I found out. You saw my tears flowing, couldn't keep them in the next day. You saw them, where are they now? I feel like I can't cry, not about that, where's the pain? How do I feel like I'd be ok if everything changed? Wouldn't I miss them? Wouldn't I hurt? Wouldn't there be a gaping hole in my chest again? I hurt when I think of others hurting, but what about my own pain? Do I feel anything? God You saw my tears, where are they now? I cry now as I fear those tears are gone. I hurt at the thought that they could leave them, I want to hurt at the thought that they could leave me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God if this is You, why? I was clinging to their names believing it means eventually they'll all be their names. All be adopted by us. But then... Where we are at in this case is also You. The names are from You, but us back in the boat of reunification? That's also You. I'm so confused. How do I fully support reunification when I also believe it won't last? Again? I'm overthinking again....

     I need to just keep rowing. Maybe You did give me all those names. And maybe they do mean eventually they'll all be adopted by us. And maybe You are the reason we are working reunification again. Maybe all these things can completely co-exist. I just need to quit thinking and just keep doing whatever it is I think You want me to be doing. I keep being told to watch and see what You are going to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You said, "Suzanna, the assignment hasn't changed."

What does that mean?!?!?! 

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We had court again in October, and though things changed in July, things have officially changed further as we were given an increasing visitation schedule with an end goal of the kids moving out of our home in December. Here's my writing through some of that....

God, what is the plan? As always, trust in Him. Trust in Him? Trust in Him?!? I don't get to know the plan. That's the point of trust! If you knew every detail, every jot and tiddle, every everything, where's the need for trust? God's got this, whether I feel it, know it, or not. Do I believe? Do I have faith? Do I trust? Has He brought me through before? Yes! Can He do it again? Yes! Will He? Why does my answer want to be, "I don't know."? That's where you have to trust! He has before, and He will again, and what He has spoken hasn't changed, and He hasn't changed, and He doesn't change, and... Do I trust Him?!? Do I trust Him with my heart and the heart of my kids? He's not going to play with it!!! My heart in His hands is the safest place it could ever be. I don't need to know the plan, I just need to trust He's got this.

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A poem of my husband's:

Silence

I longed for silence 

Not long ago

Now it's heavy

The burden grows

I feel its weight 

I hear its rebuke 

"You asked for silence!"

Oh I could puke

The quiet hours

The silent days

The painful whispers

There always

It's barely started

Now it's days

Then it's weeks

Then always? 

Where's the peace 

I found in mourning?

What's the chaos 

That is forming? 

Oh God! 

You were so near!

I need you!

Now I'm drowning in my fear!

"When I trust you

I don't need to understand "

Let me hide in your cloak

Hold me in your hands.

Fill the silence 

Lift my burden

Guide my steps 

Make them certain

‐------

So anyway, there's that! I hurt, he hurts, we all hurt. I didn't share the hurt of the kids, but there's definitely a lot of hurt going on with them too. Hurt, confusion, and chaos. 💔

The Third Tree & Me

Bear with me while I tell you a story:

Once upon a mountaintop, three trees dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up.

"I want to hold treasure," the first tree said. "I will be the most beautiful treasure chest in the whole world!"

     "I want to be a strong sailing ship," the second tree said. 

     "I will be the strongest ship in the world."

     "I don't want to leave this mountaintop at all," the third tree said. "I want to grow so tall that when people look at me they will raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!"

One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain.

     With a swoop of the first man's axe, the first tree fell.

     With a swish of the seconds man's axe, the second tree fell.

     With a slash of the third man's axe, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought him to a carpenter's shop, but the busy carpenter was not thinking about treasure chests. Instead his work-worn hands fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. 

The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took him to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ships were built that day. Instead the once-strong tree was made into a simple fishing boat.

The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard.

     "What happened?" the once-tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted to do was point to God."

Many, many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams.

     But one night golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box.

     And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in all the world.

One evening a tired traveller and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat.

     When a storm arose, the second tree shuddered. But when the traveller stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace," the storm stopped. 

     And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the King of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the woodpile.

     She shivered when she was dragged through an angry crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.

     She felt ugly and harsh and cruel.

But on Sunday morning when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew God's love had changed everything. 

     It had made the first tree beautiful. 

     It had made the second tree strong.

     And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. 

That was better than being the tallest tree in the world. 

‐-------------------------------

I've considered making a YouTube channel just to read out loud books that I love. That book I just shared? I've looked on YouTube, I don't see that one on there to share with you guys, so I might just have to make one myself. Anyway....

Several years ago I was at the library in the kids section when I saw this board book. Soon as I saw the title I remembered hearing this poem read aloud at church by our pastor when I was a youth. I saw it, I recognized it, I picked it up and began reading it, and then had to go buy a copy for myself to keep. This story, this version of this story, it hit me so hard I was surprised. Why? Because of how much I identify with the third tree. 

I read this book through the eyes of infertility. I read this book coming from the perspective that has been my life. I read this book thinking about the dreams that God had placed in MY heart. My dream? My dream has always been to be a mom. A stay at home mom, of a bunch of kids. I wanted a BIG family!!! I want a big family, and I want to homeschool them. And I want all my kids to be close together. I dream of stair-stepper kids, and them loving each other so much that they WANT to share a bedroom. And.... 

Ok so my dream has been added onto more and more over the years, but the root dream to it all is that I want a big family. I always have. I try to get away from that dream and that dream just keeps knocking. I've struggled with that dream because... Infertility!!!!!

The third tree has a dream: "I don't want to leave this mountaintop at all," the third tree said. "I want to grow so tall that when people look at me they will raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!"

     -Me? My dream was a bit more selfish than the third tree and had nothing to do with God, I just wanted a big family because I wanted a big family. I got married young and was ready for my dream come true to begin! Any day now I'll be pregnant and my big beautiful family will start! And then we'll have another, and another.... 

     -The third tree didn't want to go anywhere at all for her dream come true to happen, and neither did I. 

The third tree: "With a slash of the third man's axe, the third tree fell..... 

     The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard.

     "What happened?" the once-tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted to do was point to God."

     -Me? As the one year mark of our marriage came around I started looking for a job, because I thought, "I want to be a stay at home mom, but what's the point of staying home without the mom part?"

     -The third tree was confused as she was removed from the mountain top where naturally her dream come true should have happened, and I was confused because, well, didn't God design women to be mothers? All I dreamed was to become a mom, why wasn't it happening?

The third tree: "One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the woodpile.

     She shivered when she was dragged through an angry crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.

     She felt ugly and harsh and cruel."

     -Me? I watched friends and family all around me getting pregnant. I watched as some people who didn't want to be pregnant get pregnant. And I just... What about me? Why them and not me?

     -The third tree felt ugly and harsh and cruel because of what she went through. I felt cursed, forgotten, unloved by God....

The third tree: "But on Sunday morning when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew God's love had changed everything.

     ...every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. 

     That was better than being the tallest tree in the world."

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This story fills me with such hope! Hope that when my story ends, it'll end in a way that is better than I could ever have imagined it. I already have 3 precious wonderful kids that I never would have gotten to be their mom if it wasn't for everything I went through before, and I praise God for that! I'd go through it all again just for them, but somehow I don't think it ends here. The three trees? The three trees all had dreams within them, but they didn't fully understand what those dreams were there for until they were fulfilled. They didn't see what it would take for them to get there. They didn't know that their dreams would one day come true, but come true in a way that was better than they could have possibly imagined. I have a dream!!!!! I have this dream to have a big family, a dream that I've had within me for so long.... I try to get away from wanting that, but it keeps coming back. And I have another dream, another dream that I don't even want to talk about because of how much I've tried to get away from it, but that other dream keeps knocking too.

"The deep desires you have within your heart are not of your own—they were not planted there by you, but by the One who created you. And He wants you to know today that what He has planted in the soft fertile soil of your heart, He will one day make grow in your arms as you rock them to sleep…" - Elisha Kearns author of

Waiting For Baby Bird 

You see I read the words of Elisha and I argue with them. I've argued with them in my mind many many times. Argued that the dream within me, that it isn't from God. Even though I've argued with it, and it keeps coming back, I want to deny that it's even there. Because, me? Pregnant? It's been almost 16 years...

I don't want it so much for me anymore, I want it for my kids. Darrell, James, and Edwin have all known siblings who have left. Whether or not they remember all those times, they've still known that loss. They've still experienced that heartbreak. And right now? Right now they fear they'll experience it again. Oh how I dream there could be just one, just once, that they'd never have to say goodbye to. Oh how I dream they could meet a sibling without any fear that they might leave. And to be pregnant?!?! They could know about this sibling coming before they come! We could get things ready! Plan ahead! This child??? This child would have their last name from the START! No waiting around for one-day someday maybe to be told by a Judge that they get to stay with us forever, forever starts now! Even before they are born. Oh how I dream....

     I thought I was done dreaming of pregnancy, but I haven't at all. I was done, done trying, done hoping and expecting, thought this was just my lot in life and for me it would never happen. I finally "moved on" and trashed my pregnancy test strips. I was done. God I forgive You if You never take away my reproach. And I thought that was exactly what He had in mind, that I was to be content and satisfied without ever being pregnant. That this would be my story. And then..... 

     Then God laid it on someone's heart to pray for baby Ira-Belle. 

What? Deer caught in the headlights I was so confused. Ira-Belle? My pregnancy test strips I had just trashed, just trashed so recently they were probably still in the can outside and hadn't made it to the dumpster yet. Ira-Belle? Did she read that post? Read it to the end?? What???

Lemme give you a recap, the post I made entitled with that name, Irene Annabelle (Ira-Belle for short), ended with me saying that I believed God was going to KEEP me infertile. That I myself would never have a child biologically. That's how it ended, that's what I believed, and then this lady I know says with such excitement to me that God has her praying for baby Ira-Belle?

Y'all I'm tired. I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I'm tired of getting on board for reunification and THEN things change and the kids stay. Or I think that they ARE going to stay, and then things change and they don't stay. And then there's this. I finally MOVED ON! I trashed the pregnancy test strips I had in bulk in my drawer. I trashed them! And now? When I have JUST NOW decided to "move on" God says I don't need to? I.....

Guys I have fought so hard for so long to deny thoughts of still wanting to experience a pregnancy. Allowing those thoughts back... allowing myself to dream again... allowing.... Gosh I didn't realize just how badly I still want that. But as I said, I want it more for them. I want it for my kids, I want it for my husband, I want it for my mom and my siblings and our best friends. I want everyone to get to know a kid of ours without fear they might leave. To not hold back. To love them fully from the start. I want Darrell, James, and Edwin to get to feel their sibling kick while still inside the womb. Darrell, James, and Edwin have never experienced a pregnant mom before. I want for THEM to get the whole package too. I want to talk with them each week and each month about how their sibling is getting bigger and what size they are now and how they now have fingernails or eyelashes and they get hiccups. I want them to see ultrasound pictures. I want them to hear the woosh-woosh of the baby's heartbeat that sounds like a washing machine. 

Ira-Belle means "answer to our prayers". I didn't even realize I was still praying for a pregnancy. I've been dreaming and praying to not have to support reunification again. Dreaming and praying to have a child I wouldn't have to say goodbye to. Dreaming for once I could say hello and not say goodbye. I thought my prayers answer was in the siblings we have with us NOT leaving again. Or maybe their newborn sister would join us and never leave... But that didn't happen. She didn't come join us when she was born. And now the others look like they might leave us after all...

     But then here is this word. This word from God. This promise. There have been visions and words and... And I'm going to be pregnant. God says I'm going to be pregnant. My womb is open. Now's the time. I don't know when "now" is in God's timing, but she could be currently in my womb as I'm typing this tonight. She could be. She might be. I'm praying that she is. 

     Irene Annabelle or Ira-Belle if you prefer. Irene means "peace", and every time I read the word peace right now, I think of her name. The thought of having this promise that one day we'll have a child that we won't have to say goodbye to... That's an answer to prayers and it's so beautiful it makes me cry. 

So, old infertility blog, I might need to change my little bio again soon! That whole "God has made me barren", that word "barren" that feels like a curse word every time I say it that I've been trying to embrace because I felt that was "me", God wants to take that away. He wants to take away my reproach, a reproach that maybe only I myself place on me, but it's still there.... God says He's going to take it away. 

One day I shall laugh with tears of joy and disbelief as it seems so surreal that I hold my little Irene Annabelle in my arms that I've just birthed, as I imagine Sarah did when she held Isaac the first time. Maybe this is the month! Maybe I'll only have 9 more months to wait. ♡ 

God Is Good

Ecclesiastes 7:13-14 MEV

[13] Consider the work of God: Who is able to make straight what He has made crooked? [14]  In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of distress consider: God has made the one as well as the other. For this reason man will not be able to understand anything that comes after him.

 

We had court in June, and again in July, and the two hearings couldn't have been any more different. The before, the during, and the after. And none of it makes sense, especially the afters.

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In June we went to court and expected stuff to HAPPEN! Seemed like everyone was gearing up for this particular hearing, had caseworker, adoption specialist, attorney ad litem, resource worker, everyone all checking in! We were told that the Judge wanted to see the kids for this one, so she saw them via zoom before the hearing happened so they wouldn't have to endure the lengthy time at the courthouse. Everyone making sure they're on top of their stuff just before court because this one? This one we were going to finally have the termination of parental rights (TPR) that they've been trying to do since December. It was finally going to be done and we'd be able to move forward with adoption. The adoption specialist even had me sign a piece of paper before court got here to say what their new names would be after adoption. She wanted to have it all ready! All ready to go! And then....

It didn't happen. I was trying so hard to convince myself that finally things were going to change, and then they didn't. In fact, not only did the TPR not happen, we were told it was EXPIRED! The paperwork for the TPR had expired. They literally could NOT do it that day because the paperwork for it to be done had expired. The paperwork would need to be re-filed so that it could be heard at a later date.

What?!?!? Everyone was making sure they were on top of their stuff before court, but no one thought to check the expiration date??? Things had EXPIRED??? 

I was upset afterwards. I was confused. Why??? I tried to get my hopes up that this time it could really happen. That things would finally change. We'd had an adoption specialist seeing the kids in our home every month for 3 months? 4? But we couldn't actually talk to the kids about adoption, because even though they were working to terminate parental rights and had an adoption specialist assigned to our case, the case goal had never officially been changed to adoption. So mums the word! It's been stressful. It's been awkward. Always walking that invisible line that says we can't talk to them about going back home, because we don't know that they will. And we can't talk to them about when they're adopted, because we don't know that they will be. Feeling like one is likely, but the other isn't, but we can't say to them either way, and we can't answer questions either way, because nothing is officially either way! Poor kids, they just want an answer.... and so do we.

We left court in June with no answers. The TPR petition has been removed because it is expired and they're supposed to be working on a new one, we'll have a review hearing in July, and a new TPR court date in August. Visits remain the same. Nothing has changed. Still at a standstill with a TPR court date in the future dangling like a carrot in front of us saying that eventually these kids will be adopted here. Just wait.

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We had court again in July, but this one being scheduled as a "review hearing" we didn't expect anything to happen at this one. Figured they'd just talk about whether or not people got paperwork filed in time for the next hearing the following month in August. Expecting nothing to happen, my husband went to work that day as normal. He didn't ask off from work to attend court this time, it's just a review hearing. I waited around expecting to find out the next day whether or not things were set for our court date in August to happen, or if our August court date would be postponed because paperwork wasn't filed in time for that date to work out. 

Nope, not what happened. At this hearing, where we expected nothing to change, everything changed. Everything!!!

Long story short, instead of talking about terminating more parental rights to these kids, they are now talking about possibly restoring some parental rights to them that were already previously terminated.

All three of these guys who came to join us a few months back might be going back home; the youngest one who has never been in care before, and the older two who had been in care multiple times when they were younger. All three are officially on a path now towards leaving us. Our case no longer an adoption specialist assigned to it. Unsupervised visits should be starting soon, and my husband and I expect to hear a visit plan towards trial home placement once those start. 

I was upset after the hearing in June. I was upset and confused and maybe somewhat angry. Angry to have gotten my hopes up again that things would finally change and we could move forward towards adopting these guys. And it didn't happen! Why God???

And then there was the July hearing we didn't even attend because we expected nothing to change, but then everything changed. Upset and confused again? Sure!! But angry? No, not this time. I was heartbroken and cried a lot, especially that first day after getting the news. But by the weekend I was talking with my husband and... And it was different! We're heartbroken, but there's peace. I'm looking back over what has happened so far all these months with this case and I'm seeing God's hand in it! Why??? Why does He want the case to turn back this way right now? I don't know! But this is Him! He has brought us to where this case is right now. And where it is right now brings the real possibility of them leaving us.

God is good, and why He does what He does, I don't know. But that change in us after court is a good change. And that peace that we have is a peace that makes no sense. And us getting on board for reunification AGAIN is something I never ever wanted to do, and yet here we are. God has a plan and He has a purpose, and only a week and a half after everything changed, baby sister was born. And the most amazing thing happened, birth parents invited us to all meet her at the hospital; so we did:

God got our hearts back in the right spot just in time for their sister's arrival. It was an odd yet beautiful day at the hospital. There were 4 adults and 7 kids present. Two birth parents, two adoptive parents, and seven kids all biologically siblings; three adopted, three foster, and one who was only hours old and had never been in foster care. It was odd, yet beautiful. 

Our adopted kids haven't seen their birth parents in person since before this case started, it's been years now for them. But we got to see our adopted sons sitting in a hospital bed next to their birth mom holding their baby sister. We got to see our adopted sons playing with their birth dad. There was this moment when Edwin was being held like a baby by his birth dad and he jokingly was going to place him in baby sister's hospital bassinet. Edwin doesn't warm up to people easily, yet there he was being held and joking with his birth dad. And my husband and I got to hold our kids newborn baby sister, a sister we knew wouldn't go home with us from the hospital, but would go home with them. My favorite picture of the day is one that has three kids in it; one adopted, one foster, and one just born that would go home in the next day or so with their birth parents. In this sacred moment time stood still and it didn't matter who was who and who would go where, siblings just shared a moment together in awe and wonderment of their newborn sibling. ♡

I don't know what God's plan is, but I have to believe He is good, and that He loves us, and that whatever His plan is, it is good because He loves us; birth parents, adoptive parents, and every child in-between.

AND He Doesn't Hate Them

God loves them. He goes before them. He fights for... them? 

There are these other verses that stand out to me that speak to my heart about their birth parents. One of them is to remind myself that I am not better than they are:

 

Deuteronomy 9:4-6

"4Do not say in your heart, after the Lord your God has driven them out before you, "On account of my righteousness the Lord has brought me in to posses this land," but it is because of the wickedness of these nations the Lord is driving them out before you. 5It is not because of your righteousness or the uprightness of your heart that you enter to posses their land, but because of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord your God drives them out before you, and that He may fulfill the word which the Lord swore to your father's, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 6Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is not giving you this good land to posses on account of your righteousness, for you are a stubborn people."

I wrote a note in my Bible several years ago about those verses. "9:4-6 Make me think of children. It's not because of our righteousness that we are foster parents. Whether or not their biological families were full of wickedness, it's not because of our righteousness. The verses following remind God's people of their own past wickedness."

Can I tell you that is a very hard thing to grasp? You see we like to think that if it's because they are wicked, then it stands to reason it must be because we are good, right? It's so easy to get proud! So easy to think we are better than them, but we're not. We are all sheep, and God is the Shepherd. He loves us and we are dear to Him, but the ones still lost? He leaves the 99 to go after the 1. He loves them too. Always has and always will. 

     I've talked through our timeline a few times recently, I notice I haven't mentioned God's love for them in it. I talk one-sided our ups and downs, all our hellos and goodbyes. I haven't said hardly anything about birth parents at all when I tell our story. God loves them too. That's where my story should start. That's where my story should end. That's what my story should always come back to; God loves them too. Us being chosen to raise these kids has nothing to do with a lack of love for them. It was a "God thing" that Edwin made it here, and it was a "God thing" that their birth dad got full custody back of brother and sister when they left us. Everything worked out just right for him to get them back. Case even closed on his late mother's birthday. That was God, wasn't it? 

     So many years ago when I felt like the office had turned on me, that wasn't me being hated, that was them being loved. When custody was returned to their birth dad, that wasn't us being hated, that was them being loved. God giving us new names for all these kids? It's love! Love for both. I have felt hated by God to have new names for kids who leave. But God giving us those new names? I believe it means eventually those names will actually legally be their names. Them being ours? That's love, right? Feels like torture to know it'll end with them all here, because how do I support reunification if I know it won't last? Love, love is how. 

     What's crazy is that the meanings in the new names are a message for them. I feel hated to support reunification, but they probably feel hated to support adoption. Seeing things end? Having rights terminated? Never getting to raise these kids again? Hated. I bet they feel hated by God. The kids getting new names makes us feel loved by God, right? And them probably feeling hated? But. But yet their new names are a message from God to them. That's them being loved. I think God wants to erase their birth names, but send a message with their new names to their birth parents. 

     I gave them that message before, wrote it out to birth dad in a letter while he was in jail, he has no idea that message has anything to do with names. Dad thanked me several times for that letter, and even gave credit to me for him getting back on his feet and getting his kids back because of what I said in that letter. That hurt. That hurt!!! God told me to share that message with him so that these kids could LEAVE ME??? Because I was kind to him and did what God told me to do I suffered LOSS! My family suffered loss. They left!!! And they left because of me?

     One of the things I questioned for a while is, what if God only ever gave me these new names so that I would have that message to share with their birth parents? What if it was never about me and it was always about them. But now? Now I think it was always about both. It always was and always will be about both, and it doesn't make sense, and I don't know how to explain it, and.... It's God! That's God. 

     God gave me a desire a long time ago to have a big family. This is not how I thought He would fulfill that desire, but I now believe that desire really was and is from Him and these kids are why. But it's not just about me and my desire for a big family, there is so much more to all of this than it being about me and my dreams coming true. God loves them. 

Someone told me several months back before these kids returned to our home to not share that message with them again, not until after they're adopted. And I debate sometimes whether or not I should really wait.

God Doesn't Hate Me

Last month I went to a ladies luncheon where everyone had a prayer card waiting for them at their seat. There wasn't any assigned seating, so the prayer card was randomly placed, and yet everyone at my table was talking about how the prayer card they got was talking directly to them. Mine? It said:

God loves you so much 

that He sent His Son to die for you. 

Jesus is the proof of God's love. 

~ 

 For God so loved the world that 

He gave His only begotten Son, 

that whoever believes in Him should 

not perish but have everlasting life. 

John 3:16 NKJV

 

To God be the glory, great things He has done. 

So loved He the world that He gave us His Son. 

FRANNY CROSBY

My friend next to me asked what my card said, and I was just like, "Apparently I'm not feeling loved." Because when I read that all I can see is that it tells me over and over again God loves me.

Few days later I was reading through my notebook (journal) from last year. It's strange reading about how much I wondered and asked God if their siblings would return, and now here they are! What I was writing about last July though was about their names. I was writing about how the kids are getting older and if those names are really names God gave us for them... And I just started writing, God it's been more than 2 years! It's been more than 2 years now since they left us!!! Are they really coming back?! And here was the response:

Two years is nothing, 

nothing in My eyes.

What I have planned,

is good for you guys. 

 

You question, you wonder,

and you won't stop asking "why?"

But I have a reason, I have a purpose, 

and it is good for you guys. 

 

It is good,

do you hear Me?

Trust Me, Believe.

What I have destined, it will be. 

 

Have a little more faith.

Remember that I love you.

And I would never make 

you wait for no good reason.

I read that and felt like He was saying those exact same words to me today about everything I've been thinking and feeling about some new stuff..... "Remember that I love you". There it is again, God saying He loves me. Coincidence? Hmmm...

It's funny how I'm being told over and over and over again that God loves me and I'm just like, "Yeah yeah, I know, I know..." But then when I was reading in Deuteronomy chapter one this week about the Israelites feeling hated by God... it broke me. You see, I "know" I'm loved by God, but what I didn't realize is just how much I've felt hated by Him.

20 "...You have come to the mountains of the Amorites, which the Lord our God is giving us."

27 "...Because the Lord hates us, He has brought us out of the land of Egypt to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites to destroy us."

The way God has called us to grow our family, the way that He has brought us in growing our family, it has been HARD! But He doesn't hate us. It was never because He hates us. The rollercoaster ride we've been on is not because He hates us. Every goodbye? All that pain? The waiting for more than 2 years for these guys to come back? It was not because He hates us. Fifteen and a half years of infertility? Not because He hates us. The waiting we've already done for termination of parental rights to happen this time, not because He hates us. If we have to continue to wait for rights to be terminated, if the youngest ends up leaving us, if baby sister isn't a "baby" when she gets here, if... It's not because He hates us.

The Isrealites saw the mountains of the Amorites that God was giving them and they said, "No! It's going to be too hard! God must hate us. "...The people are greater and taller than we. The cities are great and walled up to heaven. And moreover, we have seen the sons of the Anakites there." (Deuteronomy 1:28) It's too much God! What You are calling us to do to receive what You say is for us, it's too much. God, we'll be destroyed before we ever receive it!"

Here I am with six children, so many of them I've had to say goodbye to already not knowing if they'd ever come back. And even when I was promised they'd be back, I/we still had to say goodbye. I fear the goodbyes aren't over yet. I hope and pray they are for the two siblings that used to be with us, but little brother? He might leave us, and it's going to hurt. It'll hurt all of us if he leaves, but if he does? It's not because God hates us. Jesus, God's own Son, begged that the cup He had be taken from Him, and God said no. It wasn't because God hated Him! And Jesus knew that. I've been begging for a long time to not have the cup of reunification with birth parents. Been begging that we can get off this ride with DHS. Begging and pleading that we can be done. So far the answer has been no. Jesus knew what waited for Him on the other side would be worth it, but He still begged not to go through the pain. We will have our moment of "it is finished." Our family will be complete one day. One day it'll all be over. Done. And it'll all have been worth it.

29-31 "...Do not be terrified or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you, He shall fight for you, just as all that He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went, until you came to this place."

God loves us. He goes before us. He fights for us. And He wants to carry us through every step as a father carries his children. God is good. And what He wants for us is good. Every hardship we've had to face, none of it has been because He hates us. If we can trust and endure until the end, it'll all be worth it.