Once upon a mountaintop, three trees dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up.
Desire to Mother
Tuesday, October 1, 2024
The Third Tree & Me
Thursday, August 1, 2024
God Is Good
Ecclesiastes 7:13-14 MEV
[13] Consider the work of God: Who is able to make straight what He has made crooked? [14] In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of distress consider: God has made the one as well as the other. For this reason man will not be able to understand anything that comes after him.
We had court in June, and again in July, and the two hearings couldn't have been any more different. The before, the during, and the after. And none of it makes sense, especially the afters.
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In June we went to court and expected stuff to HAPPEN! Seemed like everyone was gearing up for this particular hearing, had caseworker, adoption specialist, attorney ad litem, resource worker, everyone all checking in! We were told that the Judge wanted to see the kids for this one, so she saw them via zoom before the hearing happened so they wouldn't have to endure the lengthy time at the courthouse. Everyone making sure they're on top of their stuff just before court because this one? This one we were going to finally have the termination of parental rights (TPR) that they've been trying to do since December. It was finally going to be done and we'd be able to move forward with adoption. The adoption specialist even had me sign a piece of paper before court got here to say what their new names would be after adoption. She wanted to have it all ready! All ready to go! And then....
It didn't happen. I was trying so hard to convince myself that finally things were going to change, and then they didn't. In fact, not only did the TPR not happen, we were told it was EXPIRED! The paperwork for the TPR had expired. They literally could NOT do it that day because the paperwork for it to be done had expired. The paperwork would need to be re-filed so that it could be heard at a later date.
What?!?!? Everyone was making sure they were on top of their stuff before court, but no one thought to check the expiration date??? Things had EXPIRED???
I was upset afterwards. I was confused. Why??? I tried to get my hopes up that this time it could really happen. That things would finally change. We'd had an adoption specialist seeing the kids in our home every month for 3 months? 4? But we couldn't actually talk to the kids about adoption, because even though they were working to terminate parental rights and had an adoption specialist assigned to our case, the case goal had never officially been changed to adoption. So mums the word! It's been stressful. It's been awkward. Always walking that invisible line that says we can't talk to them about going back home, because we don't know that they will. And we can't talk to them about when they're adopted, because we don't know that they will be. Feeling like one is likely, but the other isn't, but we can't say to them either way, and we can't answer questions either way, because nothing is officially either way! Poor kids, they just want an answer.... and so do we.
We left court in June with no answers. The TPR petition has been removed because it is expired and they're supposed to be working on a new one, we'll have a review hearing in July, and a new TPR court date in August. Visits remain the same. Nothing has changed. Still at a standstill with a TPR court date in the future dangling like a carrot in front of us saying that eventually these kids will be adopted here. Just wait.
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We had court again in July, but this one being scheduled as a "review hearing" we didn't expect anything to happen at this one. Figured they'd just talk about whether or not people got paperwork filed in time for the next hearing the following month in August. Expecting nothing to happen, my husband went to work that day as normal. He didn't ask off from work to attend court this time, it's just a review hearing. I waited around expecting to find out the next day whether or not things were set for our court date in August to happen, or if our August court date would be postponed because paperwork wasn't filed in time for that date to work out.
Nope, not what happened. At this hearing, where we expected nothing to change, everything changed. Everything!!!
Long story short, instead of talking about terminating more parental rights to these kids, they are now talking about possibly restoring some parental rights to them that were already previously terminated.
All three of these guys who came to join us a few months back might be going back home; the youngest one who has never been in care before, and the older two who had been in care multiple times when they were younger. All three are officially on a path now towards leaving us. Our case no longer an adoption specialist assigned to it. Unsupervised visits should be starting soon, and my husband and I expect to hear a visit plan towards trial home placement once those start.
I was upset after the hearing in June. I was upset and confused and maybe somewhat angry. Angry to have gotten my hopes up again that things would finally change and we could move forward towards adopting these guys. And it didn't happen! Why God???
And then there was the July hearing we didn't even attend because we expected nothing to change, but then everything changed. Upset and confused again? Sure!! But angry? No, not this time. I was heartbroken and cried a lot, especially that first day after getting the news. But by the weekend I was talking with my husband and... And it was different! We're heartbroken, but there's peace. I'm looking back over what has happened so far all these months with this case and I'm seeing God's hand in it! Why??? Why does He want the case to turn back this way right now? I don't know! But this is Him! He has brought us to where this case is right now. And where it is right now brings the real possibility of them leaving us.
God is good, and why He does what He does, I don't know. But that change in us after court is a good change. And that peace that we have is a peace that makes no sense. And us getting on board for reunification AGAIN is something I never ever wanted to do, and yet here we are. God has a plan and He has a purpose, and only a week and a half after everything changed, baby sister was born. And the most amazing thing happened, birth parents invited us to all meet her at the hospital; so we did:
Thursday, June 27, 2024
AND He Doesn't Hate Them
Deuteronomy 9:4-6"4Do not say in your heart, after the Lord your God has driven them out before you, "On account of my righteousness the Lord has brought me in to posses this land," but it is because of the wickedness of these nations the Lord is driving them out before you. 5It is not because of your righteousness or the uprightness of your heart that you enter to posses their land, but because of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord your God drives them out before you, and that He may fulfill the word which the Lord swore to your father's, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 6Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is not giving you this good land to posses on account of your righteousness, for you are a stubborn people."
I wrote a note in my Bible several years ago about those verses. "9:4-6 Make me think of children. It's not because of our righteousness that we are foster parents. Whether or not their biological families were full of wickedness, it's not because of our righteousness. The verses following remind God's people of their own past wickedness."
Wednesday, June 5, 2024
God Doesn't Hate Me
God loves you so much
that He sent His Son to die for you.
Jesus is the proof of God's love.
~
For God so loved the world that
He gave His only begotten Son,
that whoever believes in Him should
not perish but have everlasting life.
John 3:16 NKJV
To God be the glory, great things He has done.
So loved He the world that He gave us His Son.
FRANNY CROSBY
My friend next to me asked what my card said, and I was just like, "Apparently I'm not feeling loved." Because when I read that all I can see is that it tells me over and over again God loves me.
Few days later I was reading through my notebook (journal) from last year. It's strange reading about how much I wondered and asked God if their siblings would return, and now here they are! What I was writing about last July though was about their names. I was writing about how the kids are getting older and if those names are really names God gave us for them... And I just started writing, God it's been more than 2 years! It's been more than 2 years now since they left us!!! Are they really coming back?! And here was the response:
Two years is nothing,nothing in My eyes.What I have planned,is good for you guys.You question, you wonder,and you won't stop asking "why?"But I have a reason, I have a purpose,and it is good for you guys.
It is good,do you hear Me?Trust Me, Believe.What I have destined, it will be.
Have a little more faith.Remember that I love you.And I would never makeyou wait for no good reason.
I read that and felt like He was saying those exact same words to me today about everything I've been thinking and feeling about some new stuff..... "Remember that I love you". There it is again, God saying He loves me. Coincidence? Hmmm...
It's funny how I'm being told over and over and over again that God loves me and I'm just like, "Yeah yeah, I know, I know..." But then when I was reading in Deuteronomy chapter one this week about the Israelites feeling hated by God... it broke me. You see, I "know" I'm loved by God, but what I didn't realize is just how much I've felt hated by Him.
20 "...You have come to the mountains of the Amorites, which the Lord our God is giving us."
27 "...Because the Lord hates us, He has brought us out of the land of Egypt to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites to destroy us."
Friday, March 15, 2024
How Far I'll Go / A Million Dreams
I heard the song How Far I'll Go from Moana several months ago and cried my eyes out because of it's parallel to me and my desire to have a big family.
Long as I can remember
Never really knowing why (I've always wanted a big family)
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water no matter how hard I try (God I'm sorry! I want to be a good daughter and be content with everything You've already given me and then... There it is! I see a big family and there that desire is again! If that is not what You want for me, PLEASE take that desire away!)
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know where I cannot go
Where I long to be (I can't get there on my own!!! I can't get pregnant! I can't MAKE the kids who I want to adopt come back to my house and be adoptable and... I can't make ANY OF IT HAPPEN! I can NOT grow my family. Only You God, only You can give me a big family...)
It calls me
And no one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
If I go, there's just no telling how far I'll go (if DHS keeps approving placements of siblings... who knows how many times we'll say yes to more! And then there's always the possibility You could cause me to get pregnant some day... Who knows when my family will be done growing!)
Everything is by design (everyone else seems content with the sizes of their families that You have given them)
I know everybody on this island has a role on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine (I can do this... I'll be ok with...)
I'll be satisfied if I play along (Three is fine... I can be fine with three.. three is great! I just need to embrace being a mom of three boys. I can do this!)
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me? (Why?!?! Why can't I do this!? Why can't I just be content!!!)
It's blinding (Blinding!!! The desire is so strong!)
But no one knows how deep it goes (Not even sure I understand how deep this desire is)
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me (God bring them back! Grow my family! Do something...)
And let me know (PLEASE)
What's beyond that line, will I cross that line? (Will I get there?! Will I have a big family?!)
It calls me
And no one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know how far I'll go (one day it'll end, our family will be done growing, and I'll finally know our family is complete)
A world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own (a big family that's mine)
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home (our big family, here, in our smallish house)
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind (yep, people probably thinking that already)
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy (nope, don't care!)
We can live in a world that we design.
The brightest colours fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake (I see bunk beds.. large kitchen tables.. big sectional couches...)
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see (those things all fitting just right in the space that we have)
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
Oh a million dreams for the world we're gonna make
Every room inside is filled
With things from far away
Special things I compile
Each one there to make you smile
On a rainy day (I want to embrace minimalism and be good and intentional with the space that we have so we own the things we truly want and love and not just a bunch of junk)
They can say, they can say we've lost our minds
I don't care, I don't care if they call us crazy
Runaway to a world that we design
Let Me be part of it all (God! God says He wants to be a part of this! However big my family is, or however small, He wants to be a part of it!)
Share your dreams with Me (He desires for me to share my heart with Him)
You may be right, you may be wrong (thinking He is going to bring even more our way...)
But say that you'll bring Me along (no matter what, God doesn't want to be left out)
To the world you see
To the world I close my eyes to see
I close my eyes to see
The brightest colours fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
A million dreams, a million dreams (oh I have so many dreams for our family!)
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
A million dreams for the world we're gonna make