Are You A Jonah?

"...Praise the Lord, for His mercy endures forever." (2 Chronicles 20:21)

Let us not be like Jonah resenting God's mercy towards others. Let us not sit waiting and watching for His fire and brimstone to fall already. We stop and look at history and declare that we know better, that they'll never change, that it'll just happen again, that surely God will see our side of things and give them what they deserve. 

"Jonah was a prophet (oo-oo)
but he really never got it (sad but true)
and if you watch him you can spot it (a-doodley-doo)
he did not get the point!

Compassion and mercy from me to you and you to me
exactly what God wants to see and yes that is the point!" 

Jonah Was A Prophet - Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie

The Lord knows if they will ever turn back to their old ways, but heaven forbid we be as Jonah waiting for their destruction to fall. They are living in a miracle right now having those kids back in their home. For real! The case started with wanting to terminate their parental rights from the get go, and now? Now they are looking to reinstate parental rights that were previously terminated. Absolute miracle where things are at today. I just read an article recently about birth mom and how she is a success story. They are doing well. Said she couldn't have made it this far without the support of her husband. They are doing well! It said she is an inspiration to others. Guys?!? Let us not be like Jonah! I feel I have encouraged others to be as Jonah over and over again because I myself resent the Lord's mercy sometimes for others, (for them). This is where it all started... 

The very first time I felt the Lord speak to me, it was His mercy for them, for her. I was Jonah!!! It was one of the worst days of my life. Coming home from a visit, Darrell 4 months old in the back seat of the car sleeping, me crying angry tears yelling at God. You see that day everything had changed. The visit before that one I was being encouraged to pick out a new name for him, (at the time his name was the same as his birth dad's). I was being encouraged to pick out a new name for him, because, you know, you'll get to adopt him. Mom had missed that visit, it was just me, the workers, Darrell's older siblings, and the mama who would be adopting them soon. (Dad hadn't been to any visits yet because he'd been in jail). Between that visit and the next, we had the name Darrell picked out. Loved it! Called him by it a few times. We're gonna get to adopt him! History says we will!!!

Fast forward to one of the worst days of my life... Birth mom is in rehab now and the office has turned on me. Today it was like everything I did was wrong, feeling yelled at because there's no socks on his feet. And mom? Everything she did was right. It was a long day. It was a horrible day. I was told at one point I could go home if I needed to, (I lived an hour and a half away), I felt sure if I left they'd find new placement for him closer to her. I felt completely replaceable.

Driving home from that visit, in the dark, him in the back seat, tears streaming down my face, I was angry. "No! Not this one!! This one is mine. She can have more kids!! No!!!" I was so mad. She can get her act together later, not right now, this one is mine. And then I felt like God slapped me across the face with four words, "I love her too."

Mercy guys. Praise the Lord for His mercy endures forever.

His words put a mirror in front of my face and showed me how ugly selfish I was. I wanted her to fail. I wanted her to lose her child. I wanted her to keep messing up, at least for a little while longer, so I could keep for myself what God had given her.

I once read a meme, I think on mom's page, many years later that said, "There are people holding their breath waiting for you to fail - let them suffocate." I read that and I never forgot it. Why do we allow ourselves to be those people?

You know when Jonah went to sit on that hill that they'd already repented and changed their ways? The people had repented in ashes and sackcloth. The whole city. Revival had happened, things were different now. Things were good. The city of Nineveh was probably the biggest success story Jonah had ever seen, yet Jonah sat and watched for God to give them what they deserved for their history. He sat and watched for them to change back to their old ways, for God to realize He'd made a mistake, that He should have just wiped them out to begin with. Jonah didn't want to go in the first place to Nineveh, why? Because he knew the Lord was merciful. He knew God would forgive them.

I was dead set against working reunification again, why? Because I feared the Lord's mercy towards them. I went to a woman's retreat and we sang this song, Spirit Lead Me, and it said, "When You say release I'm letting go." And I cried again angry tears telling God, "No! Don't You dare ask me to work reunification again." And He said let go.

They've been gone several months now, there was a success story written about them, and I'm struggling to not be a Jonah surrounded by Jonahs I feel I've encouraged to be Jonahs. There are so many things I don't understand, so many things that don't make sense to me, but I know God doesn't want me sitting, waiting, and watching for them to fail. Compassion, love, mercy; those are always the right answer. And that's the God who we serve.

"...Lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

"I don't trust my ways
I'm trading in my thoughts
I lay down everything
'Cause You're all that I want
I've landed on my knees
This is the cup You have for me
And even when it don't make sense
I wanna let Your Spirit lead

I'm done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me"

Spirit Lead Me - Influence Music and Michael Ketterer

----------------- 

The book of Jonah is a short book in the Bible, only 4 chapters long. I encourage you to look it up and read it in its entirety. Here's some images of my own Bible, it takes up less than 2 full pages. Let us not be Jonahs.

"...Praise the Lord, for His mercy endures forever." (2 Chronicles 20:21)

Let us not be like Jonah resenting God's mercy towards others. Let us not sit waiting and watching for His fire and brimstone to fall already. We stop and look at history and declare that we know better, that they'll never change, that it'll just happen again, that surely God will see our side of things and give them what they deserve. 

"Jonah was a prophet (oo-oo)
but he really never got it (sad but true)
and if you watch him you can spot it (a-doodley-doo)
he did not get the point!

Compassion and mercy from me to you and you to me
exactly what God wants to see and yes that is the point!" 

Jonah Was A Prophet - Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie

The Lord knows if they will ever turn back to their old ways, but heaven forbid we be as Jonah waiting for their destruction to fall. They are living in a miracle right now having those kids back in their home. For real! The case started with wanting to terminate their parental rights from the get go, and now? Now they are looking to reinstate parental rights that were previously terminated. Absolute miracle where things are at today. I just read an article recently about birth mom and how she is a success story. They are doing well. Said she couldn't have made it this far without the support of her husband. They are doing well! It said she is an inspiration to others. Guys?!? Let us not be like Jonah! I feel I have encouraged others to be as Jonah over and over again because I myself resent the Lord's mercy sometimes for others, (for them). This is where it all started... 

The very first time I felt the Lord speak to me, it was His mercy for them, for her. I was Jonah!!! It was one of the worst days of my life. Coming home from a visit, Darrell 4 months old in the back seat of the car sleeping, me crying angry tears yelling at God. You see that day everything had changed. The visit before that one I was being encouraged to pick out a new name for him, (at the time his name was the same as his birth dad's). I was being encouraged to pick out a new name for him, because, you know, you'll get to adopt him. Mom had missed that visit, it was just me, the workers, Darrell's older siblings, and the mama who would be adopting them soon. (Dad hadn't been to any visits yet because he'd been in jail). Between that visit and the next, we had the name Darrell picked out. Loved it! Called him by it a few times. We're gonna get to adopt him! History says we will!!!

Fast forward to one of the worst days of my life... Birth mom is in rehab now and the office has turned on me. Today it was like everything I did was wrong, feeling yelled at because there's no socks on his feet. And mom? Everything she did was right. It was a long day. It was a horrible day. I was told at one point I could go home if I needed to, (I lived an hour and a half away), I felt sure if I left they'd find new placement for him closer to her. I felt completely replaceable.

Driving home from that visit, in the dark, him in the back seat, tears streaming down my face, I was angry. "No! Not this one!! This one is mine. She can have more kids!! No!!!" I was so mad. She can get her act together later, not right now, this one is mine. And then I felt like God slapped me across the face with four words, "I love her too."

Mercy guys. Praise the Lord for His mercy endures forever.

His words put a mirror in front of my face and showed me how ugly selfish I was. I wanted her to fail. I wanted her to lose her child. I wanted her to keep messing up, at least for a little while longer, so I could keep for myself what God had given her.

I once read a meme, I think on mom's page, many years later that said, "There are people holding their breath waiting for you to fail - let them suffocate." I read that and I never forgot it. Why do we allow ourselves to be those people?

You know when Jonah went to sit on that hill that they'd already repented and changed their ways? The people had repented in ashes and sackcloth. The whole city. Revival had happened, things were different now. Things were good. The city of Nineveh was probably the biggest success story Jonah had ever seen, yet Jonah sat and watched for God to give them what they deserved for their history. He sat and watched for them to change back to their old ways, for God to realize He'd made a mistake, that He should have just wiped them out to begin with. Jonah didn't want to go in the first place to Nineveh, why? Because he knew the Lord was merciful. He knew God would forgive them.

I was dead set against working reunification again, why? Because I feared the Lord's mercy towards them. I went to a woman's retreat and we sang this song, Spirit Lead Me, and it said, "When You say release I'm letting go." And I cried again angry tears telling God, "No! Don't You dare ask me to work reunification again." And He said let go.

They've been gone several months now, there was a success story written about them, and I'm struggling to not be a Jonah surrounded by Jonahs I feel I've encouraged to be Jonahs. There are so many things I don't understand, so many things that don't make sense to me, but I know God doesn't want me sitting, waiting, and watching for them to fail. Compassion, love, mercy; those are always the right answer. And that's the God who we serve.

"...Lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

"I don't trust my ways
I'm trading in my thoughts
I lay down everything
'Cause You're all that I want
I've landed on my knees
This is the cup You have for me
And even when it don't make sense
I wanna let Your Spirit lead

I'm done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me"

Spirit Lead Me - Influence Music and Michael Ketterer

----------------- 

The book of Jonah is a short book in the Bible, only 4 chapters long. I encourage you to look it up and read it in its entirety. Here's some images of my own Bible, it takes up less than 2 full pages. Let us not be Jonahs.

Expect Expecting

When I wrote, Things I Can't Deny, Yet I Try, I wrote what I felt I was supposed to write at the time. But now I look back and realize just how much I said things were one way and that they'd never change. I claimed the title of "barren" more than once as something that would always be me. I didn't say it everywhere, and that's not what I was going for, but still it's there.

Last week Pastor spoke on the man at the pool who had been laying there for years and years wishing to make it to the waters so that he could be healed (John 5). When Jesus shows up on the scene he asks him, "Do you want to be healed?". His first response wasn't yes. His first response was to give Jesus all the reasons he could NOT be healed.

Y'all infertility is all I've ever known. Do I want to be healed?!? Pastor mentioned how sometimes we don't ask for prayer because we are afraid people will pray and it won't happen. At the end of service he asked if anyone wanted to be prayed for to be healed, to come forward, and I thought of my barrenness, but I stayed in my seat. I've already been prayed for! I've already been healed! Right?!? I don't need to go forward and ask again for that, I just need to embrace that I've already been healed... But I sat and thought of the prayers that have already been prayed and I've yet to see them answered. 

Truth is, I stayed in my seat because I didn't want others to look at me and see nothing change. 

Here's a poem I wrote the other day for the Sisterhood of Infertility Bible study:

Elisha who is doing the class made it look all nice and pretty for sharing it with the group. It's funny how this blog of mine is all about stuff like that, and yet I didn't share that here. I mentioned to a friend the other day, and I think to my husband as well, that though I know people "know" about the prophetic word that I'll be pregnant because it's mentioned in my blog posts and I know people have read my blog.... I don't talk about it. I've not had many conversations with people about it. I'm scared they won't believe me, and they'll feed my doubts that it'll ever happen. 

The first place I mentioned that prophetic word here on my blog, I hoped no one would notice. It was the second half of a really long post, and then I wrote another post before I shared with anyone that I'd written more. For most people, I hoped they'd never see the second half of my post: The Third Tree & Me. I suppose if my plan worked and you never read it, you can go read it now.

Since it was out there though, and I'd broken the ice putting it on my blog at all, I slowly started to mention it more... Yet this poem I wrote and I didn't want to share here, and the fact that I've noticed that I don't really have much conversations with people about any of that, and the fact that I sat in my seat last Sunday with the thoughts that I had, it begs me to ask: 

Do I want to be healed? 

Am I ready to say goodbye to what I've always known? Am I ready for things to be different now? I ordered a crib for Irene! My little Ira-Belle, my promised child, my pregnancy of a little girl that's coming!!! But that's a pretty huge deal, if I set it up and people come over... They'll see it. Do I really want them to see it?

The day after I made my last post, I cleared out the spare room and set up the pack-n-play. I left the door open when I went to bed. It's time. It's time to move forward and see that as Irene's room, not as "theirs" anymore. And it hurts that it's not "theirs", but I want that room to be filled with HOPE, and not sorrow. Joy of things to come, and not the pain of the past that is no more. But the pack-n-play? It's temporary. I know me, I'll fold it up and put it away. I'll find some excuse to not have it around when others are here so I don't have to explain it, so they won't know, so that conversation never starts.

Do I want to be healed?

I cleared out the room! I set up the pack-n-play! My boys all know about the outfit that was bought because God said I'll be pregnant and have a little girl. My boys all know what her name will be! I've told them!!! And yet... And yet the very next day, after I did that to the room and slept with that door open, I sat in my seat at church wondering if I should go up and be prayed for my "barrenness" to be healed?

Do I want to be healed?

Before the week was out, I ordered the bassinet. God that's my answer, my answer is yes. And I ordered one that's not an easy to fold up one, because I know I'd be tempted to stash it away. I did that! Yet I still feel that hesitancy in me to not let others know about it. 

Do I want to be healed?!

This week God called me out in church to be prayed for before the sermon even happened. Now everyone at church knows! If there was anyone in church that hadn't read my blog and found out here, or hadn't heard it from someone else already, they've heard it now. God says I'm not barren anymore! God says that title is no longer mine! God says my womb is open!!! God says!!!! Funny, the sermon that Pastor gave afterwards was about the lame man who was brought to Jesus by his friends to be healed. I did not seek out this prayer, Pastor didn't orchestrate it, a friend interrupted the flow of service to call others together to pray for me and my womb and to tell me I'm not barren anymore and I need to come out of agreement with barrenness and... yeah.. They all heard it, they all know, it's time to be expecting that I'm expecting.

When you read the story about the healing of the lame man who was brought to Jesus by his friends in Mark 2, I notice that the lame man doesn't say a word. And I notice that the first words spoken to him by Jesus are not the words that healed him physically. Jesus looked at the faith of his friends and then said to the lame man, "Son, your sins are forgiven you." I wonder if it wasn't the lame man's idea to be brought to Jesus. I wonder if the lame man didn't seek out his healing. I wonder if his healing was all his friends idea. He might have even argued against it. Whether or not he did, imagine him silently going along with their idea to bring him to Jesus all the while thinking to himself, "There's no point. I've been this way for so long. Everyone says that it's because I've sinned that I'm this way. Maybe they are right. Maybe if I hadn't of done this... or that... That's got to be it. He can't heal me, He won't heal me, it won't work, we won't even make it to Him, my sin is just too much, it's all my fault, I..." And then they get there, it doesn't look like they're going to make it to Jesus after all, the crowd is just too much, "I knew it, this venture was hopeless to begin with, maybe we should just turn back..." But he stays silent as his friends insist and make a way through the crowd, and make a way through the roof, and they put him right directly at Jesus' feet. Here's the moment, here it is, when everyone is going to see I'm a sinner and I'm not worthy... "Son, your sins are forgiven you." And the lame man breaks into silent tears as THAT is what he needed to hear. "He sees me, He called me His son, He loves me, He accepts me right where I'm at, it's not my fault, if I never walk it's okay because it's not because I'm not worthy because of my sin like everyone has told me." Before Jesus healed him physically, He addressed what might have kept him from his healing, a thought pattern that said it could never be done.

I am His daughter. He sees me, He loves me, and He has chosen me and called me out to be blessed with a pregnancy when I had quit asking for it. When I quit believing it could be done for me, He says it will. He says I am not barren anymore, I will not be identified by that word any longer. It's not me.

So hello, my name is Suzanna, I am a daughter of God, a blessed wife, and a mother to three amazing boys and a precious little girl I'm standing in faith preparing now for her arrival. ♡

If I Can Just Ignore My Pain

Something I've been doing every night since they left, and something I don't feel ready to quit doing, is that every night I close their bedroom door. "Their" bedroom door. The bedroom that used to belong to the sister and baby brother of my adopted children. I closed it every night they were gone on visits too. When I wake up, it's the first thing I see. Just across the hall is their bedroom door. Open? Means I wake up seeing that it isn't their room anymore. When they were gone on visits? It meant seeing their empty beds. Either way, I hate it.

Here's a poem I wrote last week:

If I can just ignore my pain,

If I can just ignore that they were here,

If I can just avoid the pictures,

Maybe I can forget all of last year.

I once had six children,

Twice as much as my current three,

If I could just forget how much I loved them,

How much easier things could be.

I need to get the pictures back up,

I need to watch his or her favorite movie,

I need to talk more about them,

I need to not avoid my grieving.

There's so much to be said,

about being strong and moving on,

But sometimes I need to slow down,

and maybe hear their favorite songs.

It's ok to cry,

It's ok to grieve,

It's ok to remember,

all those hopes and future dreams.

It's ok to hold on for a moment,

and really feel the weight,

that we never got to getting,

an adoption date.

I want to kiss his little cheeks,

and hold her little hand,

and help him make his dreams come true,

in any way that I can.

I want to see his little skip,

and hear them call me mom,

and listen to her brothers groan,

as she asks again for the Barbie coffee shop song.

I last heard that song,

on the very day they left,

thinking on it now,

brings the tears I have kept.

I really do miss them,

but thoughts on them I try not to dwell,

It's also ok to be strong,

and just pray they're doing well.

It's been 2 and a half months since they moved out, and we haven't heard a word from them, or about them, since about a week after they left. Dad started sending texts asking for information that we weren't allowed to give, so we quit responding, and then there just hasn't been any more since. 

Almost 4 weeks ago the caseworker hand delivered a small box full of toys and letters to mom, dad, and the kids for us. The message the caseworker sent me afterwards said, "I delivered the box tonight. And I talked to ____ and ____ about getting with you and letting y'all see the kids. They seemed very open to it." Almost 4 weeks since I was sent those words, and we have yet to hear anything back.

My next "plan" is to try making contact again. Maybe send another box of letters? Maybe send the few more toys of theirs we've found? Maybe send them a message on Facebook? A friend request? Or maybe text them and invite them to join us at the park?

That last one is the one I want to do the most, and the one I want to do the least. I don't feel ready to see the kids again, and yet... I need to. It's only been 2 months and I can barely remember ever having had them here. Life has gone back to "normal" without them. Normal-ish anyway, we're still dealing with some anger and tantrums and whatnot, but mostly we have a new normal again now. Life is "normal" without them here. And like people who have a baby and the day after they arrive they can't imagine life without them..... I almost can't imagine them here anymore. It feels so distant. And there's not empty beds, or their stuff, or... I have pictures to prove they were here, but the memories feel almost like a dream. I need to hug them again, hear their little laughs, and feel for a moment just how deeply I love them and wish they were mine and allow my heart to ache to the core that they won't be going home with me......

It's good to move on and be strong and all that, but it's also good the days and moments that come and I just want to cry because I miss them. I welcome the moments the tears come, because other times I feel numb and fear they never will. 

Desired Harbor

Psalm 107:23-32

"Some went down to the sea in ships,

     to do business in the vast waters;

they saw the works of the Lord

     and His wonders in the deep water.

For He commands and raises the stormy wind,

    which lifts up the sea waves.

The sailors went up to the sky, they came down to the depths;

    their strength melted because of the great danger.

They reeled to and fro and staggered like drunken men,

    and were completely confused.

 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

    and He saved them out of their distress.

He made the storm calm,

    and the sea waves were still.

 They were glad because the waters were quiet,

    so He brought them to their desired harbor.

Let them praise the Lord for His goodness

    and for His wonderful works to the people!

Let them exalt Him in the congregation of the people,

    and praise him in the assembly of the elders."

It sounds so much like us with foster care. All the ups and downs, the to and fro, the rollercoaster ride. They were confused and staggered like drunken men. I have felt so lost, none of it makes sense! I told you how the kids came back to us on the day I prayed their names! Got wants them here! I even told you how I had a name for another girl who would come from her womb, and though the next sibling born was a boy (a half-blooded sibling), she did get pregnant again with birth dad and had another girl. But that girl? She didn't come here. On the very day we found out she was pregnant, we were contacted about a passenger van. Same day. The conversation about the van was on-going when we heard the news birth mom was expecting again. The reason we'd need the passenger van, right? But then just before she was born everything changed again, and now not only do we not need a passenger van, we all fit in a car. "Staggered like drunken men and were completely confused." God it doesn't make any sense, and yet when I look at things I see Your hand in both. I see Your hand in bringing them here, and in them leaving. "He made the storm calm, and the sea waves were still." 

They left. We got rid of the extra beds. We're no longer licensed. "They were glad because the waters were quiet, so He brought them to their desired harbor." I want to say I don't know what my desired harbor is, it's what I was leading up to with all of this, but I do know. My desired harbor is for things to be good between us and their birth parents, and they're not. The waters are quiet right now, but they are too quiet; we're not talking. Cut out the DHS noise? Great! Cut out the drama? Fantastic. But cut out contact? Too much. I've said it over and over again over the years, "I don't know what things look like on the other side, but I want things to be good between us." And I just wrote that again recently in a letter to them, once again trying to open up communication between us. It's been 2 weeks since that letter was hand delivered by the caseworker, and we're waiting to hear anything back. We might give it another week or two and try making contact again. I want things to be good between us, and this isn't it. Maybe things'll get better and we'll become friends and they'll have theirs and we'll have ours. Or maybe one day all the kids are here and adopted by us and things are good between us on the other side of that. My desired harbor doesn't involve a "we're not talking right now" in it. Which surprises a lot of people, and honestly kind of surprises me too a bit, but that's it and it always has been.

And there's this other part of my desired harbor which involves me being pregnant. For us to have a child that we never have to worry will be taken from us simply because we're not the birth parents. A child that we won't be holding our breath until adoption day for them to have our last name, but to have our last name before they even exit the womb? Wow that sounds amazing. God said I will be pregnant when I quit praying that would ever happen, and now I see just how much I never quit hoping it would. Just once I want a kid I never have to support reunification, and that's likely to never happen with foster care. 

How desperately I love those kids, and I would trade ever being pregnant to have all of their siblings adopted in our home being raised together. But what I want even more is for my kids to know their birth parents growing up. For one day when they get married they might want both us and them present on their big day. That they'll know them and have a healthy relationship with them before that day gets here. It boggles my own mind that I'd be willing to share my children that much, but that's what I want. I want my children to be whole and complete, and their birth parents are a big part of that. I don't want them ever wondering who their birth parents are, they'll know them for themselves. I want their birth parents to be someone they're proud of knowing, for them to be someone they'd want at their weddings. I can't make that happen, but I can hope and pray and encourage their birth parents to become those people. And I can do my best to allow every opportunity for them to know their kids, but a relationship is two sided and I can't make them keep up their side. 

I want things to be good between us and them. I want to feel my family is complete. I want to feel content and satisfied. I want God to make everything beautiful, and it's not yet. Right now I have kids crying because they miss their siblings. They're worried about their siblings because they have no idea how they're doing. They want to know when they'll see them again, and I don't have an answer. What I can tell my children though is, "Your brothers and your sister know you love them, that you miss them, and that you're thinking about them. They know this because they can see: my brother wrote me a letter.". I can tell them this and I can offer the opportunity for them to write more letters. And I can sit and I can pray with them that their birth parents would say something back to us so we can make plans to see them again, so they don't have to worry anymore about how they're doing.

One day I believe we'll make it to our desired harbor, one where God has made everything beautiful, we're just not there yet.